Back to reality.

I got back from a short visit to Boston today, and met some family friends for dinner. Their daughter lives here and is my sisters age, and it was nice to see a little bit of home. I left Friday and got stuck in a ton of traffic leaving NYC, but it was worth the wait since I got to see Sarah, and my girls and we went to Jacob Wirth a German restaurant that has a piano bar. Once people started getting some drinks in the singing commenced. Good times. I love Boston, I watched Good Will Hunting last weekend when I was at Lauren's and I think the thing I like about it most, is that the nostalgia really hit, I realized that I feel more like a big fish in a small pond. I've recently started looking for internships in Journalism. Print, and Broadcast news and am hoping to start working on some student films. We need more gays am I right ;)?

Its good to be back in Brooklyn, I am hoping to do some NYC stuff this weekend with the girl, maybe go to an art museum. After jaunting back and forth to my mini travels I've realized I'm pretty happy with my life. Although unemployed I've made the best of my situation. I'm changing fields which is a daunting task but I know that I'm smart enough to not give up on something I believe in. The most important lesson I learned at the end of this summer was that upon dreaming big, and allowing myself to own my mistakes is that I stopped caring about finding "her." When I started transitioning, or even when I came out my number focus was 1) getting laid, and 2) finding a girlfriend, or "the one." I was hungry for a relationship. I was lonely, and from an outsiders point of view, it was pretty pathetic. It hurt almost every relationship I ever got into. Crushes turned into one sided affairs that broke my heart. Dates turned into "I'm not looking for a girlfriend," conversations, and in the long run, I think the girls I interacted with could sense this longing and it probably looked very much like desperation. It put alot of pressure on the people I was getting to know, because I was like a love struck puppy. One of the best pieces of advice that helped me cope with this feeling of panic and fear that I was going to never find someone, was on a episode of Ugly Betty. The Editor of a Fashion magazine takes over for the role of his Father and he is desperatly trying to live up to his expectations but is failing miserably. He is a womanizer, is a fish out of water and is close to being let go. His assistants Father befriends him, and in a Fatherly way tells him about his own experience, how he learned how to cook, made a mean guacamole. Made the girls swoon, his cooking turned into a passion, and that passion in return fed his self confidence. Find something you're good at. It may be a challenge, you may not find it anytime soon, but try.

I've always been told I'm a "good writer." I'm expressive, I've always been an outsider, and according to some authors this helps
contribute to the process. Its always been how I survive. Growing up I had a learning disability that I didn't realize unti lI was an adult. I think getting things down on paper is the easiest way to relieve your heart of the things that keep you up late at night, and also the thing that helps you find clarity. At least for me it has been. I'm not necessarily the "creative" fiction type, I'm better at writing about my own feelings. Ever since I got on this agenda to chase after my dreams, I stopped caring about whether or not I had a girlfriend, and started caring more about all the things going on out there in the world. The results have been amazing. I feel like I connect with people more easily, I'm not there to "get it on" but to learn about them and share a few laughs, so I make new friends. And since I have no intention of settling down quite yet, I feel socially more confident in myself, I've lost weight and my identity has a renewed sense of accomplishment and wonder. I love that feeling. I love getting compliments on how I look healthy and happy. The fact is I am pretty fucking happy. I live in special city, I have parents who love me despite my flaws, I have friends who know all of my misgivings and we can laugh about it openly. I know I'm not perfect, I'm flawed and selfish and downright goofy at times. But underneath all that, the person I see, is someone who is doing their best, who is honest, who is nice and also very caring. I am out there, loving and learning and at the end of the day, I can respect myself for that.

Summer's over baby...

Tonight I attended an al-anon meeting for the first time. The purpose of the support group is for those with partners, family members or other to share their stories having been affected by a loved one with substance abuse. I found out this past Christmas that my brother was a meth addict. He is the only boy in our family, and is younger than me. For so long, more specifically this entire year I've failed to recognize the signs and was in deep denial of his addiction. All I know was that I felt a tremendous amount of pressure from my Mom to counsel her, console her, to solve it. In my own error I realized that this wasn't the case. She simply needed my support. My brother didn't need me to turn off his addiction, my Mom didn't want me to solve his issues, she just needed someone to talk to her, advise her. To listen.

The purpose of my blog this summer started out with the strongest thing I've ever offered to myself; the freedom to express myself unapologetically. At first I apologized to everyone for transitioning, famliy members, friends, strangers, in relationships. I did it by hunchig my shoulders and awkwarldly staring at the men & womens room when I had to go to the bathroom, and I still question so many things and am sorting it out one day at a time, but I know this. My brothers strength in recodnizing his addiction was larger than himself, admiting he was scared, hit his own perosnal rock bottom and checking himself into re-hab have inspired me beyond his knowledge. Am I still scared? Admitedly yes. I was afraid I'd lose him for good, But I've told him how I feel. That I love him. Unconditionally. That he is a good brother and I understand why he went trough this. It's all I need to say because it's true. I know he's trying to find his path the best that he can just like I am.

I need to be on my own at times to realize I am self reliant enough to accomplish the things I really want. I am so grateful for others strength, support and kind words and for sharing their own stories. It helps me more than they could possibly know. I know I have this. Compassion. Love. Courage. Heart. A positive outlook to the future, and most of all the will to survive.

Lauren lovingly told me when I commented on this chill in the air this weekend that it didn't feel like summer anymore that it was actually Fall, and she knows I have "Peter Pan syndrome" with getting a job and everything else but I think for my own sake I'm fully ready to take on everything. I really do want to apply to NYU's Tische in their Documentary Studies Program, or a MA in Journalism. I'd love to report, write, and tap into that side of my brain since another purpose of this blog was to work on developing those skills (for free) and give myself a subject matter to devote my love to. I feel as a queer filmaker/writer I can create films for the Trans spectrum because there is a place where we belong. (I am also looking into teaching) After all, what I really wanted was to answer this quote.

"The dedicated life is a life worth living. Find something to love with your whole heart. Discover what inspires your biggest dreams. Seek out a challenge that creates positive change, speaks of your purpose and makes a difference in the world. Throw yourself something to believe in, that asks for your very best. A good life is not lived by chance, but by choice." LIVE GOOD

As my acting teacher Tom Waites once said, "each one of us has our own unique and special attribute in which we can bring to our performances, a part of our personality that is beautiful and magnetic." I truly believe that and try to hold onto it every day living in such a large & exciting city where you could lose your "specialness". You guys make me feel good every time I hear from you. I look forward to the Fall, pumpkin spice lattes, getting back into the job market and being out there. I am working 2 days at the Fashion show this week, and going to the Job Fair at the Gay Center which has an exciting line up. I just wanted to say....

Thank you for reading, and all of my love.

Ice Cream!!!!

I get to go to Ashley's Ice Cream in New Haven when I head out to see my girl for the weekend. We've managed to split our weekends between Brooklyn & her place so its sometimes nice to get out of the city. I developed a major sweet tooth upon moving here, and also feel like I learned how to lighten up quite a bit. On Monday it was exactly 1 year that I finally accomplished something I've always wanted to do, move to New York City. Since I am unemployed I've had time and opportunity to look back, today I was trying to think of my "top ten favorite NYC" moments. I noticed that it wasn't the place, the money I had or didn't have, it was the people I was with, hanging out with an old college friend, having the girls come up from Boston, meeting intoxicating new girls at bars and having one too many, hanging out with friends and having fun. It came down to that. Sure, I had fun jobs and plenty I hated, but overall its the time when you are lost in the moment enjoying the persons company so completely that everything else sort of dissipates. I feel like I am heading in the right direction, and that feels good. You know, they say if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.....

ps. Alice Wu in her moving "Saving Face," called her project a love note to the city of New York.
Well...thats pretty ambitious. Consider this post as my neon post it note to a place I love, lets me be who I am,
and basically rocks my socks off.

She Said.

I once had a High School English Teacher tell her class that if it was between the greatest conversation of her life and the best sex she would choose conversation. To a group of curious high school kids this went over our heads and I'm probably the only one who even remembers her putting this out there until this very day. And for someone all hopped up on T and with hormones comparable to a 17 year old boy, I doubt I can really relate even still to her admission. But at the same time I recognize the depth of what she is saying. Have you ever talked with someone all night? Told them what you want to be "when you grow up," the things you did as a kid, or even things you haven't told your Mother or your best friend? Or maybe a conversation with someone new at a bar, a difference in opinion, or finding out that their passion is going to a developing country to do HIV counseling. Whatever moves you. I know one friend in Boston, a guy friend named Nat who I could talk to for an hour, our common curiosity on everything under the sun; books, movies, ideas, political figures, you name it. I always walk away with a sense of hopefulness after talking with him. Or with a close friend; someone you can tell your stories too or look back, someone who used to be so innocent and dorky that it makes you love them that much more. Sometimes in the art of talking, the act of really listening is something I fail to do. It has hurt so many of my friendships but I tend to overcome it by confessing that I'm not perfect but I really want to try. I am defensive, sometimes I stop listening if I'm not interested. I'm selfish, etc. I so want a career that depends very heavily on being able to be a active listener, Journalism much like acting is interdependent on connecting with someone you are speaking with. That act of digging out of them the root of their emotion and sharing it is truly an art. They trust you to share the intimate details of who they are. I need more practice, I definitely need to get out of my comfort zone and need to get my hands dirty. I am meeting a Graduate Assistant tomorrow and am forwarding a Cover Letter to a Fox News Anchor I met at Kings Highway a month ago for Mentoring advice. Other than that I'm just doing all that I can to get the disgruntled writer out of me.

An Author once wrote that Journalism is the perfect pathway to writing the piece of Fiction you've always wanted to produce. That it trains you to observe the details and characters and learn to be edited. "Tell the story that's been growing in your heart, the characters you can't keep out of your head" she advises. I don't know that I have it all formed, but its on its way to you, from me.

Lit by the fire Sunday night

What is Happiness? I feel "stuck" or wedged in between two very difficult places right now. Half of me is content being kind of a girl, and the other embraces this transition so fully that I feel like an over eager child to step outside and shed my younger skin. Meaning I want my boobs off, and facial hair. I want to smell like a guy, feel like it and be it, and to own it. Did I somehow think this would develop overnight? That something would just pop up during the night? Its mysterious what goes on within my own body, sometimes I feel like its beyond my reach. Its been a few months that I've been on T now, and my sex drive is comparable to a teenage boy x 10. I hate it, but yet I embrace it. Its consuming to those to I love, and distracting at worst.

All along while this happens I've been trying to tackle all the other stuff. Income, Rent, Food, Relationship, Mind, Goals, Family, and I think I am ok. I watched a video on www.ted.com a great site for those looking for a bit of inspiration. One of the things that I am looking into is the possibility of Grad school be it Journalism or Film. While I am treading water financially I feel like this is my window of opportunity to shift like mad into the thing that I really want to do & what I care about. I watched a speech on Motivation by a former speechwriter and he had this to say about shifting paradigms in the workflow. He believes in the power of intrinsic motivation over "Management." That this idea of reporting to someone higher than you is an outdated system, and that some of the really great business ideas like gmail, wikipedia, others were created when employees were asked to go off and think of something they wanted to do.
"Is it Utopia?" He wonders? Not always. His idea is simply this;

Intrinsic Motivation is:
autonomy -urge to direct our own lives
mastery-the desire to get better and better at something that matters
purpose: the yearning to do a service fo something larger than ourselves

Of All the Non-Fiction Career books I've read I think he organizes his idea so easily that its hard for me to ignore. My interpretation is that we are not at the end of the day the amount of debt we've accrued or assets we've accumulated, that job-wise finding something that suits you, or that you are good at has all to do with your personality, the way your mind work and less to do with making lots of widgets. I don't think I've done a very good translating, but I know this. I feel so passionately about what I am doing and that I can one day use all of the steps I've taken to create a map for someone going through the same questions I had. A product of my struggles, ideals, and vision of where I want to go that encompasses the very core of who I am. I haven't figured it all out yet, but think I'm going in the right direction that is satisfying enough. So although I do fear that post surgery, all the facial body hair in the world I can handle and getting my hormones somewhat resolved, I worry that at the root, I still won't be happy. I am working on taking it one day at a time, being happy in the moments, and acknowledging that I can choose to be ok for right now. To love my body day in and day out and forgive the little things I cannot change. Is it working? I think Shrek said it best (I'm quoting a Pixar Movie???) "That'll do."

What would Jesus Do?

In 2004 Curt Schilling the Red Sox pitcher was quoted in the Boston Globe saying about the Team "Why Not Us?" It became a catch phrase as the Sox went on to create my favorite moments in Baseball. His quote about his ability to allow himself to believe in God, and post his personal believes while those around him gave him flack relentlessly. God? You could be attacked in this city for believing. For being true to your faith. I've recieved a few emails from family Members and their e-mails citing God. "I was made this way" they say "Its natural, why change what is real and true? "My experience with God is up and down. I am Episcopalian and babtized by Family, and while raised by a Scientist (My Dad) and a true believer (My Mom) I fall strongly in between with a little more faith than most. I once spoke with a friend named Mary Beth in high school after she got really "into God" We had a intro to Guitar class and we were just teenagers. We were discussing lyrics to a band and I asked her about what religion meanto to her and why it was so important. Not be be intrusive but because I could see it truly meant something to her. "God = Love" was all she said with a content smile. I didn't need any other explanation, and I've never had to justify my relationship with religion or faith again. There are those who can challenge my own beliefs or tell me that what I am doing is wrong according to "God." I don't believe it though. I defend my right to interpret my personal beliefs and think I am entitled to have a relationship with it on my own terms. That I can prey for the things that I want and that when I truly need it, it will be there for me because I believe in a simple basic idea that it in fact exists. Let them judge. Let Props in CA grow and change and let us fight all the while letting my own truths to be solid. You are entitled to your opinion, and so am I.

I used to fight with my ex-girlfriend about who would minister our wedding. She was Jewish by birth and I wanted my childhood priest a friend of the Family up there at the alter. I've learned that religion has more to do with personal beliefs to help you through difficult times then listening to what others will interpret for you and it makes all the difference for me to make strides in something I am struggling with.

In Boston I ate a big brunch during my first year after moving from NH I had the time to sit around and read the Boston Sunday Globe and in it was an article the best I've ever read on something pertaining to religion by Pope John Paul II. In the article it was appearant his health was deteriorating which is maybe why his insight really hit home. "With all the different ways we have to communicate nowadays be it the phone, internet, text messaging, I wonder if it truly makes us better connected to one another. Are we all that much happier? Does it make us love more openly" he asks? I'd have to agree. In my generation which I live in unapologietically I am able to come out, be trans. Only a small percentage have ever really truly had the honesty to tell me what I am doing is wrong or goes against the grain and I respect that. I guess what I have to say is this, Mary Beth's words meant more to me than an explanation on why God meant so much to her. It was something I could grip onto for the rest of my life. I could move through it with time holding onto an idea that I didn't have to have a complicated debate or discussion on why God wouldn't condemn me to hell for loving women, or wanting the right to have a family. My relationship with him isn't negated due to my choices and its something I can stand by. It isn't greater to or less than its just equal too. The idea that love "conquers all" is so solid in its foundation that this is the only thing I ever need to remember and push me through difficult times.

Back from the Cape

If you ever really want to get to know the person you love, spend 15 minutes with their Mother. Is there a reason that on important documents, legal, financial etc it asks one to list their Mothers Maiden name? Call me niave but is it built into our own gene code that a Mother could never really leave their child? I speak from experience. Although adopted I consider my Mother to be the greatest woman I know. Not just because she's wise, generous, intelligent, fun and sensible. Its because she loves the hell out of her kids, she can tell them when they are fucking up their lives, and she is probably the most outgoing warm individuals I've ever met. This week I headed to CT to join Lauren for a few days before driving to Boston for my best friends birthday bash and a week down on the Cape camping in North Truro with her own family.

I knew it was going to be tough due to the fact that I have a hard time having the people I love meet the people I am dating, its just a bit hard to balance their expectations, make sure everyone is happy, you know. You want them to see the person you have come to know & love but that doesn't always shine through initially. Lauren is also someone who I've dated and for the first time I am not teenage crazy intense love. Its more like a slow burn. A comforting welcome thing that I let into my life unexpectadly. I love her unexplainable desire to make everyone around her happy at her own cost sometimes. I feel closer to her than I ever have but realized more about me that I was ready for. I also confirmed my desire to get surgery. For the first time in awhile I let myself unconnect from my own crazy little world. I stopped thinking about transitioning and all the other things I was hoarding and let it be on the back burner knowing I could come back to it. I thought long & hard about my own family dynamics and where I fit in and how much I love them for exactly who they are be it 3,000 miles away.

I also got some intense news about my brother which was the thing I needed to hear most. I cried and she held me. I cried some more and she never let me feel like I was being weak for knowing that he had re-conneted with my Mother in this way that I couldn't fathom. I put space between my Mom that I needed and she respected it, she let me recharge and call her to discuss it on my own time table. I'm not always good at this. I sometimes don't know how to balance what is stifling and what is indiependence in relationships. I needed to get out of my own head for a bit and I did but at what cost. I don't think I'll lose her, I don't think I'm ready to go fuck a bunch of random strangers and get dirty and be wild but I also don't know what I want all the time and this really hurts the people that I love.

Its comforting to know that she is so patient with me, it makes me happy that we had that time together and that when I return to my city that is hot, dirty & crowded after being beautiful Capetown nature child that I'll find a way to fall in love with Brooklyn again. Its almost September, school starts for many and its that sad sort of time where its hot as hell but you go back to the real world and start anew. Its that time where you have to man up to the realities of your life and come to terms with dealing with your issues and fix themIts time for me to go kick ass in New York knowing what I want to do. I'm going to be tough.