Time & Patience

"It comes from my body. There's no way I can fight it." Beth Ditto discussing her vocal style. A loud, curvy femme, damn fierce advocate for gays who's gravely voice still sits on my mind as I ride from New Haven to Grand Central thinking about so many things. There is nothing I could take more and directly relate it to my own experience in transitioning. In the song "Heavy Cross" Ditto nails notes and all I can do is rock out and smile. I want to know everything about her. Like when she's all sweaty on stage ragin, and truly doesn't give a fuck about what she looks like compared to the industry, and how she made it this far, I wanna know. Where did you find the strength to be so strong in your own skin?

Lately I've been so inspired by my young peers. From Kit Yan (slam poet) who I caught on a youtube video getting completly lost in his abilty to vent all transitional frustrations through the artistic validation of words. Another friend out in Northern California has put pretty much her entire passion or hobby into a foodie blog and seeing her updates remind me of what a talented writer she is, completly true to herself. I love that it can be circled, shared and I feel energized. I see people putting all of their energy into that thing they love, and all I do is write, think, process, write. Is this my calling?

This weekend I was able to post with my girl and we talked a bit about T, Leslie Feinberg, & share in general some time together which is always wonderful. I know I have a hard time with the distance, and being patient in general but I'm trying to be better. I bought her lilies, and they bloomed while I was there, and a book by an author we both love and we are reading it aloud before we go to bed. I love my Sunday nights with her.

I had the chance to speak with Alex, a former co-worker and also one of the first people I've told work wise that I wish to transition. She was great and had good questions for me and offered to be a "subject" again so I am definitely going to take her up on her offer. She is super easy to talk to and a great listener & quite a funny girl. One of the things she said I didn't even really hear until I was editing & watching the video was about letting my transition if it is someone else's issue, let it be theirs. I think hearing it from her made me think that I was holding on too tightly for my family to approve of this thing I'm doing.
Do I really need that stamp of approval, right now I'm just me, and in the future if my body changes life moves forward, why do I struggle to let their hesitation make me pull away from them? I love my sisters,my brother, my Parents, I was organizing my room & found all these old photos of us and it made me realize, not much has changed. My happiest memories will always live with them.

Surgery Updates:

The battle definitely rages on. One of the hard things I had to face was that although I've sent in my letters, I also have to transition (possibly) legally meaning changing my drivers license, I am still a CA resident technically and my passport expired this year. I have to change my status at my parent company The Washington Post (M) on all docs. to have coverage on T, and submit all in to Aetna, and then they can deny/ accept my claim. The most important thing I think is the "real life experience" which in the Benjamin Standards of care (Protocol that are used to treat Trans patients) and something that I've found useful (also delays gratification) which is living a full year as a Male & not switching back. The Policy Bulletin is kind of grey. The one thing I can always be grateful for is the people I've worked with in this transition, my Therapists are super patient, my Surgeons are rad, and my girl is super into my physical changes, she actually stole my t-shirt and was smelling it because I kind of smell like T. Although I'm beyond confused by the process I feel like each day I get closer to something I really want and I have faith in myself that this persuit is truly the direction I want. In Febuary I'll turn 30, and although I feel more like I've turned 17 again, I am happy, healthy, optimistic. I laugh easily and am so glad I get to share this with you.

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