Relationships.

Is it ever safe to fall in love? No. Is it worth it every time? Absolutely.

I am seeing a girl now who opened me up to something that I didn't realize I was doing. I was afraid to fall in love again. After having your heart broken its sometimes hard to remember that it mends. I had my fair share of one night stands, and while they were fun something felt empty about it. It was hard for me to pretend that I didn't care, to pretend I wasn't jealous watching someone I really like kiss someone else. I was afraid of risking my heart and focused on loving myself. And while that is truly important to establish that relationship with yourself and take the time to love who you are becoming, its not advisable to shut others out. "We should be in the business of multiplication and addition." Gregory T Angelo once wrote in an article about inclusion for gay marriage. How do these two things connect you might ask? I was so busy loving me that I didn't realize I put up some pretty hard core walls, I was getting myself on solid ground knowing I could transition alone, but could I let someone else in to watch, to join? Hell no. I was so scared of that. She reminded me that I deserved it and not to hold this piece of myself away from my heart. (Her exact words) To those of you who have found the person you want to share your dreams, ideas and truths with I can now better understand how amazing that feels.

Here is a pic of her & I on the train ride down to Coney Island which she was excited for all week! We watched the fireworks (her idea) on the beach snuggled together on the sand and looked out across the ocean which was dark accept for the boat lights. Her warmth, kindness & love for life is insatiable. Enough of this gooey stuff, I need to be outside!

Family

Part of being adopted is realizing that families are created in so many different ways. Perfect example is Thomas Beatie. Beatie gave birth to his daughter around this time last year, Beatie has since then given birth to a boy. My desire to have a family came at a really young age. In fact I distinctly remember asking my Mom for my OWN baby when I was like 6 years old. (Ok no I'm not normal) I mean but how cute is that??? I love kids. One of the difficult things about transitioning is that kids always do a double take when they see me, depending on their age they either stare or ask plain & simply "are you a boy or a girl?" I've even had a little toddler stare at me & then point out "BOY!!" And while I thought this was simply adorable, it is hard for me to talk to little kids because I always feel slightly uncomfortable, while they are innocently prying at what gender I am as does society, I am just trying to be me. There is nothing wrong with what they are doing, its just that it can be a little ahem awwkwaard for me.

Another thing I do is stare at babies when I am out in the city walking around, as I do with dogs. Most of the time I will get strange looks from both Mother & baby when I do said activity. Other times people will sit and talk to me and go so far as to push their babies hand towards mine in a playful manner realizing that I am female and "playing" with me. This always touches me. Its not easy being a parent. I know this.

I guess I'm just at that age...my friends are starting to have kids, even my baby cousin the youngest of the family is now driving! I always knew I'd grow up & have kids. Now that I'm finally here, it seems like its in the distance, always beyond some horizon that I can't seem to get to. Thats ok with me, to be perfectly honest, I don't know that I would be a very good Mommy right now anyway.

That is until somebody gave me some good advice. It was my Psychiatrist actually. I was telling her how I was going to pursue T until I was satisfied with its results, always knowing that I could stop whenever I chose to, and that I wanted to do it safely and healthily so that in the incident that I was not married, did not have a partner to carry my baby that I could one day give birth. I wanted, still want that option. Testosterone changes the effects of your body and stops your period. Therefore the chances of having a child lessen. After hearing all this my Doctor mentioned to me (she is an older Spanish lady) looked at me and told me how she got pregnant very late in life, she is past the age of 40 and had both of her children back to back when most Doctors told her she was lucky to have even one child healthy at all. "Don't wait too long" she said. "Having a baby isn't about how much money you have in the bank, or establishing the perfect career." (Both of my excuses for not being knocked up. Oh and the little fact of being minus sperm) "It is about wanting to care for a child." Maybe you won't wait until you are 40, I think 35 is a good age." There we go, a little bit more of unsolicited advice. I have to say I walked out feeling kind of, I dunno hopeful.

Where might all this be coming from you might ask? Well its kind of silly but it came from an article I read last year on a review for Harry Potter, the writer commented on how he couldn't wait until his kid was old enough to understand the books so he could read all of them together. Ahhhhh that sounds nice. Don't you think I'd look cute with a snuggly and a little ball of hair poking out of the top? I mean a baby folks.

Peace & love,
Jean

Video!!!

My MacBook comes equipped with Video wahoo!!! Here are some videos of me injecting & talking about T. I wanted to give a shout out to the Bronx Community Health Center which has been an invaluable resource, especially my Therapist & Physician who help me feel positive about my body & choices. Thank you.





Got a little unsteady while filming & injecting...maybe next time!



Last but not least!

Learning....

Last night felt important. I did my usual wandering around like a homeless person with no care in the world (unemployment rules!) and only a free day and time on my hands. I met with my acting partner in Madison Square Park, I managed to make smiles on the park bench, and I cannot emphasize how GOOD that feels. When requesting video equipment to start my pet project a "trans documentary" someone replied saying they would be happy to lend me their handheld camcorder to play around and shoot with. This thrilled me. I hope to shoot tons of footage/ interviews and create a blue print & message that can speak to my own experience of transitioning and my exploration with connecting to the community and the positive change that it has made in my life. As soon as its up I'll try posting some youtube videos!

At my support meeting at the Gay Center two things touched me. I'll mention one. Someone asked ME about how I knew I was trans and I got to share. I usually get really nervous when I speak in groups but this time was different. (I'm talking about heart pounding/ gut wrenching fear people!!!) I was able to share, openly and without any reservation about the first time I went into a trans meeting after researching it online and choosing to attend. Most of the folks had been on T for over 3 years, and I was this baby faced kid of the group, pre T, fish out of water, totally naive of the struggle that one goes through when entering this battle. Because it is a fight, for your life, to be who you are, to just get there... I can't explain the struggle but I can attest to the aggravation with health insurance companies, pharmacies, doctors, appointments. There is no way for me to gripe about this here without also stating from the bottom of my heart how grateful I am to those who go out of their way selflessly to serve this community. To give back. I guess thats why it was an awakening for me last night, because here was somebody asking ME what that felt like. I can literally point back into time and look at myself then, my eyes like a deer in the headlights staring at men, boys, guys, dudes, in all shapes sizes and forms living their life to the fullest as the opposite sex they were born in. And yes I did question why I was there, was this me? Aren't I just a dyke? Butch? Boyish? When people call me sir, or stare at me when I go in the women's room or mistake me for a guy I flinch. I feel like part of my identity is mistaken.

But its something about this period the "in between" as they call it that makes everything become clear on why you are fighting, questioning and exploring head on. It's because you want to pursue who you truly are and you don't know who that is. If I could put words on myself then sitting in that meeting in 2008 just one summer ago to the person that I am now I would have to admit that learning how to eliminate one word from my vocabulary has made all the difference. The word No.

I remember when I was "girly" in college, I tried sleeping with boys to have that whole experience that all my female friends from home were having, and I remember coming out at the end of college and discovering what it was like to make out with a girl. Hot!

I remember when I started hanging out with boyish looking girls that wore their hat backward and were mistaken for guys all the time and remember laughing and saying no when someone suggested I cut my hair short. My pants got baggier, my hair got shorter. One summer I shaved it off. I lived in my boyishness and to those who knew me they call me she, her & I was somewhat happy & content, but there was something missing, and maybe then I couldn't even identify what that was.

At a trans meeting I sat in on a bottom surgery conference hosted by a well known West Coast Doctor who specialized with a small practice. I remember saying no then. But I never remember saying no to top surgery. I've wanted it since I was 14. Its only now that I've said yes to everything in my life. Yes Jean you should finally fucking move to NYC, yes you should keep on T, yes you should ask that girl to dance, yes take that class you always wanted to. yes yes yes.

I learned how to embrace what I truly want for myself and knowing in the back of my mind that resisting those desires take me away from the path that I'm supposed to be on. I can't say no anymore, because I never know what lies ahead, and how opening myself up to something is truly going to make change for the better. I still struggle with my identity, and I also have a hatred for the secretiveness that is apparent in the trans society, I know very well why its there and who's to say that once I fully transition that I won't elect it for myself. But for now I want to expose all of myself to those who could take something away from my experience, because I've been given everything and am only now starting to give a little back and that feeling fills me up inside in a way that nothing else ever could.

Looking into that persons eyes that had this yearning, this youthful expression that only one with the true desire to pursue something impossible could give. Someone who was fighting for their life and turning to ask for direction to speak of my own events and experiences and share. How did you know?

I just knew. And you will too.

On Acting...

Its been too long since I've last posted. I am in a weird transitory state in my life right now which has been both a blessing but also troublesome for me. I was laid off at my most recent job in New York City and have found myself with a whole lot of time on my hands. This has given me the opportunity to really think about what it is that I want to do, and be, and to be honest, sitting on a park bench at 2PM on a Monday watching the world go by is...awesome! I guess I'm just not really ready to grow up quite yet. I was at a dinner party with a girl I am seeing on Saturday night in Park Slope and this woman gave me some unsolicited advice. "Just figure out what you want to do next. Then you take all that pressure off of yourself on who you are." This is coming from a woman who started what is called the Mountain School in Vermont. Something about a farming school for high school students in the valley. That really hit me.

I've been looking at several different things to do in my life, journalism/ broadcasting/ I enrolled in an acting class at the School of Visual Arts, and I am still pursuing my FTM path, and top surgery. I guess all I can do is take this thing one day at a time. My personality is conducive to instant results but this isn't always what comes about.

I had a nice talk with the girl that I am seeing now, and something became instantly clear. Conversations, communication when used in the correct way can enhance your personal comfort. For example, in my therapy session that is required by my Health Clinic which supports FTM's I was scolded for not making timely follow up appointments, which in turn got me to pour out how frustrated I was with the insurance process. This then led me to confess to my very wise therapist that what I needed help. I needed guidance, and in the end he was there for me.

Another example is my acting class at SVA, my teacher is classically trained, went to Juilliard and was harping on me for not memorizing my lines. He could see my nerves. He could see my lack of dedication, that I was holding myself back. I blew off the last class, and only gave it half of what I really could of dedicated to. But tonight I saw something different. He embraced me, gave me a hug and said he genuinely missed me being in class, and helped guide me through my scene of "The Importance of Being Earnest." Although I was fumbling my lines a bit, I had it down pretty good, and I got a lot of laughs from the class which made me feel....alive, happy, delighted. I love seeing Virginia my acting partner lose it when I make her laugh in front of the class and I love being "the center of attention" and at the same time it makes my heart skip out of my chest. I pushed myself. I have discovered that in my poor habits, like procrastination that I do myself a great disservice. I am letting myself get "stuck" I'm hiding, I'm not doing anything and it stems from fear.

All I do know is that I walked away from all of these events and conversations feeling optimistic. I feel challenged and also kind of renewed. Like I get a second shot. And I am grateful. I was in the right time, and the right place to just let myself be happy. In the moment, pursuing whatever it is that I am going to do next.

April Showers

It's strange how time can literally heal you.  You don't really have a choice in the matter, it just happens.  I feel like a decade has passed since I first moved to New York and respect how much I've grown. It somehow strengthened me.  Sometimes you just need a time out, to pace yourself and realize that the most important thing to do, is center yourself before you blaze ahead blindly.  I've met amazing people; I've had some crazy/ intense moments that are still unbelievable to me.  I've learned that in the end its all the fumbling I've done, the flailing, the mistakes, the sordid relationships, one night stands, dead end jobs, enriching jobs, falling in love, not being loved back, telling someone you don’t want to be with them.  It’s all of these experiences, all of my mistakes that have helped me successfully stumble upon what I truly want and to gain better access to my purpose here on this planet.

 I'm learning what I'm good at; I'm learning my strengths and certainly my weaknesses. But more accurately I'm learning about me and I'm fascinated. I've learned that I get bored easily, I love art, I often want what I cannot have, and often times feel a need to fix things instantly without having the self control to be patient. It's the very small explanations that have made my past unfold unto itself. I feel like thats an important piece that was missing all along. Maybe again its just time that helped me locate it.  

I spent the night with a girl that took my breath away.  She was drop dead gorgeous, unattainable on many levels, but on the other hand, she pushed me into a new direction because she truly believed I was "hot,” “adorable” whatever the word that best describes me, she felt it.  She gave me momentum to figure my shit out and find meaning in it all. She believed I was worthy when I didn’t believe that about myself. 

 I figured out how to save myself. I can now better express my feelings and feel like my conditions are changing, not because of outside factors, but because I am truly driving change and making good decisions about my health, my body, who I love, and who I cannot.

I’ve never been shy in asking for help, but for once I am not afraid to be out there by myself doing the best that I can. 

I've learned what I can control and what I cannot, I've learned how to better manage my emotions and realized that the risks I take, are healthy, they push me to experience things that the safe me wouldn't normally do. You can't always bury your heart, you'd miss feeling things you'd miss out on life's beautiful moments.  At some point you have to jump and leave the questions and apprehension behind. 

Who knows where I'll end up, or if it’s with somebody great, I just know that I am choosing to learn to love me with out terms and conditions, completely.  

Politics, The Economy, Love in Brooklyn....

I wrote my first post quite awhile ago. So much has happened since then. The first being that I got out of my first real relationship, it all came to me in a wave. Moving to New York, falling in love, getting an apartment, finding work. Things have certainly changed since then. I will never regret my first serious relationship, it taught me how to love myself, how to love somebody else and that feeling is so amazing.

I met someone very shortly after my first relationship, at a bar, a lesbian bar...she was at Columbia U's Teachers College working on her MA in Education and taught in Harlem, leftie, piercing, long brown hair. Probably the only girl I felt any chemistry with after being incredibly alone, and sad. We dated for awhile, things were going well, but I guess intuitivly I knew it wouldn't truly last as much as I wanted it too. She was too fledging, free spirited, and I was too much of a romantic at heart.

When things end between two people it requires one to admit it. They have to use those words, "ok we need to talk." I'm not sure why, but that feeling on that very day felt like a shot of adreniline through my body close to the way I felt after a car accident. Severe and very all consuming. I am a good actor though. I can contain my feelings and run. I guess all of those feelings get pretty pent up though, it ends up happening later, the longing, missing that person and never really putting it behind me to move forward.

Ending one relationship is like going back to what you really want out of life, I keep asking myself that. Writing certainly has helped. In the end I feel like its been the slow relief I really needed. My ideas, feelings. I've learned not to discard them so quickly.

I still don't really know what I want, but hope that this feeling of flailing brushes away and I take control.