On Acting...

Its been too long since I've last posted. I am in a weird transitory state in my life right now which has been both a blessing but also troublesome for me. I was laid off at my most recent job in New York City and have found myself with a whole lot of time on my hands. This has given me the opportunity to really think about what it is that I want to do, and be, and to be honest, sitting on a park bench at 2PM on a Monday watching the world go by is...awesome! I guess I'm just not really ready to grow up quite yet. I was at a dinner party with a girl I am seeing on Saturday night in Park Slope and this woman gave me some unsolicited advice. "Just figure out what you want to do next. Then you take all that pressure off of yourself on who you are." This is coming from a woman who started what is called the Mountain School in Vermont. Something about a farming school for high school students in the valley. That really hit me.

I've been looking at several different things to do in my life, journalism/ broadcasting/ I enrolled in an acting class at the School of Visual Arts, and I am still pursuing my FTM path, and top surgery. I guess all I can do is take this thing one day at a time. My personality is conducive to instant results but this isn't always what comes about.

I had a nice talk with the girl that I am seeing now, and something became instantly clear. Conversations, communication when used in the correct way can enhance your personal comfort. For example, in my therapy session that is required by my Health Clinic which supports FTM's I was scolded for not making timely follow up appointments, which in turn got me to pour out how frustrated I was with the insurance process. This then led me to confess to my very wise therapist that what I needed help. I needed guidance, and in the end he was there for me.

Another example is my acting class at SVA, my teacher is classically trained, went to Juilliard and was harping on me for not memorizing my lines. He could see my nerves. He could see my lack of dedication, that I was holding myself back. I blew off the last class, and only gave it half of what I really could of dedicated to. But tonight I saw something different. He embraced me, gave me a hug and said he genuinely missed me being in class, and helped guide me through my scene of "The Importance of Being Earnest." Although I was fumbling my lines a bit, I had it down pretty good, and I got a lot of laughs from the class which made me feel....alive, happy, delighted. I love seeing Virginia my acting partner lose it when I make her laugh in front of the class and I love being "the center of attention" and at the same time it makes my heart skip out of my chest. I pushed myself. I have discovered that in my poor habits, like procrastination that I do myself a great disservice. I am letting myself get "stuck" I'm hiding, I'm not doing anything and it stems from fear.

All I do know is that I walked away from all of these events and conversations feeling optimistic. I feel challenged and also kind of renewed. Like I get a second shot. And I am grateful. I was in the right time, and the right place to just let myself be happy. In the moment, pursuing whatever it is that I am going to do next.