Acceptance. Family

"As far as family goes, try not to let your family members hurt your feelings. I know it's hard sometime, but do what you can. As you go through life, you want to take care of yourself and your feelings. Don't look to your family for validation. Easier said than done, I know. And, speak your mind to your family in a kind way, either in writing or verbally. We all need to be brought up and corrected from time to time."

This was an email my Mom wrote me when I was having an argument with one of my sisters when I flew home from Boston to Eureka CA. Sometimes I love being home, sometimes its difficult. (Ok having them wait on you and make you food and give you hugs and playing with your dogs isn't hard) I guess you get used to living your own life, in your own version of home somewhere else, the one you make. I guess with all the distance I forgot that I did need my families acceptance and sense of validation on this thing I was going through, I just didn't know how to say it.

On July 19th 2007 I wrote in my online journal that I thought the life of an FTM would be too difficult. That I wasn't strong enough to do it. That I was too sensitive. I didn't know if it was "me." Sitting here now I am amazed at how far I've come, and also am beginning to realize the physical gap within my family. I've had old co-workers, high school friends email me their kind words, it literally almost made me cry (I'm on T so maybe thats why I didn't) One e-mail I received from a guy I haven't talked to in awhile but we kind of grew up together, you know tree forts, camping, playing outside...the good old days! His words of acceptance seemed to wipe away some of my current frustrations and I just wanted to say, thank you.

My sister called me & she didn't know about all this, its difficult for her, as it is for one of my best friends who I recently saw.
I am noticing that the people I am closest to haven't really said much. I can go on and on how I'm "cool" with that and I don't need their support I just need them to not kick me out of their life based on my choices. Its kind of a lie. I want it to be one big happy celebration, yay boobs off, shirt off Jean = Happy!!! This is something I look forward to when I wake up, having facial hair, looking like a boy. Being a boy. To me I've had the courage to step into who I am. I think they need their own time to process it, they are 3,000 miles away from me. In the end they gave me the "my body my choice" route and I can accept that. I can't expect them to feel a certain way, its unrealistic. Can I hope that they will gradually warm up to it? Certainly.

All I can do is keep going down this path. As others have said I wouldn't be any good to them if I stopped doing this, becoming who I am. It will take them time to adjust, but all I can keep telling myself is this. Don't run away from the things you desire. Fight for it, fight yourself, all of those internal battles, the wrestling match that goes on within. Let yourself go into this unknown because certainly, realizing yourself will create freedom you've never known before.

I love me, finally. Thank you for loving me too.
Jean