Learning....

Last night felt important. I did my usual wandering around like a homeless person with no care in the world (unemployment rules!) and only a free day and time on my hands. I met with my acting partner in Madison Square Park, I managed to make smiles on the park bench, and I cannot emphasize how GOOD that feels. When requesting video equipment to start my pet project a "trans documentary" someone replied saying they would be happy to lend me their handheld camcorder to play around and shoot with. This thrilled me. I hope to shoot tons of footage/ interviews and create a blue print & message that can speak to my own experience of transitioning and my exploration with connecting to the community and the positive change that it has made in my life. As soon as its up I'll try posting some youtube videos!

At my support meeting at the Gay Center two things touched me. I'll mention one. Someone asked ME about how I knew I was trans and I got to share. I usually get really nervous when I speak in groups but this time was different. (I'm talking about heart pounding/ gut wrenching fear people!!!) I was able to share, openly and without any reservation about the first time I went into a trans meeting after researching it online and choosing to attend. Most of the folks had been on T for over 3 years, and I was this baby faced kid of the group, pre T, fish out of water, totally naive of the struggle that one goes through when entering this battle. Because it is a fight, for your life, to be who you are, to just get there... I can't explain the struggle but I can attest to the aggravation with health insurance companies, pharmacies, doctors, appointments. There is no way for me to gripe about this here without also stating from the bottom of my heart how grateful I am to those who go out of their way selflessly to serve this community. To give back. I guess thats why it was an awakening for me last night, because here was somebody asking ME what that felt like. I can literally point back into time and look at myself then, my eyes like a deer in the headlights staring at men, boys, guys, dudes, in all shapes sizes and forms living their life to the fullest as the opposite sex they were born in. And yes I did question why I was there, was this me? Aren't I just a dyke? Butch? Boyish? When people call me sir, or stare at me when I go in the women's room or mistake me for a guy I flinch. I feel like part of my identity is mistaken.

But its something about this period the "in between" as they call it that makes everything become clear on why you are fighting, questioning and exploring head on. It's because you want to pursue who you truly are and you don't know who that is. If I could put words on myself then sitting in that meeting in 2008 just one summer ago to the person that I am now I would have to admit that learning how to eliminate one word from my vocabulary has made all the difference. The word No.

I remember when I was "girly" in college, I tried sleeping with boys to have that whole experience that all my female friends from home were having, and I remember coming out at the end of college and discovering what it was like to make out with a girl. Hot!

I remember when I started hanging out with boyish looking girls that wore their hat backward and were mistaken for guys all the time and remember laughing and saying no when someone suggested I cut my hair short. My pants got baggier, my hair got shorter. One summer I shaved it off. I lived in my boyishness and to those who knew me they call me she, her & I was somewhat happy & content, but there was something missing, and maybe then I couldn't even identify what that was.

At a trans meeting I sat in on a bottom surgery conference hosted by a well known West Coast Doctor who specialized with a small practice. I remember saying no then. But I never remember saying no to top surgery. I've wanted it since I was 14. Its only now that I've said yes to everything in my life. Yes Jean you should finally fucking move to NYC, yes you should keep on T, yes you should ask that girl to dance, yes take that class you always wanted to. yes yes yes.

I learned how to embrace what I truly want for myself and knowing in the back of my mind that resisting those desires take me away from the path that I'm supposed to be on. I can't say no anymore, because I never know what lies ahead, and how opening myself up to something is truly going to make change for the better. I still struggle with my identity, and I also have a hatred for the secretiveness that is apparent in the trans society, I know very well why its there and who's to say that once I fully transition that I won't elect it for myself. But for now I want to expose all of myself to those who could take something away from my experience, because I've been given everything and am only now starting to give a little back and that feeling fills me up inside in a way that nothing else ever could.

Looking into that persons eyes that had this yearning, this youthful expression that only one with the true desire to pursue something impossible could give. Someone who was fighting for their life and turning to ask for direction to speak of my own events and experiences and share. How did you know?

I just knew. And you will too.