I wrote my first post quite awhile ago. So much has happened since then. The first being that I got out of my first real relationship, it all came to me in a wave. Moving to New York, falling in love, getting an apartment, finding work. Things have certainly changed since then. I will never regret my first serious relationship, it taught me how to love myself, how to love somebody else and that feeling is so amazing.
I met someone very shortly after my first relationship, at a bar, a lesbian bar...she was at Columbia U's Teachers College working on her MA in Education and taught in Harlem, leftie, piercing, long brown hair. Probably the only girl I felt any chemistry with after being incredibly alone, and sad. We dated for awhile, things were going well, but I guess intuitivly I knew it wouldn't truly last as much as I wanted it too. She was too fledging, free spirited, and I was too much of a romantic at heart.
When things end between two people it requires one to admit it. They have to use those words, "ok we need to talk." I'm not sure why, but that feeling on that very day felt like a shot of adreniline through my body close to the way I felt after a car accident. Severe and very all consuming. I am a good actor though. I can contain my feelings and run. I guess all of those feelings get pretty pent up though, it ends up happening later, the longing, missing that person and never really putting it behind me to move forward.
Ending one relationship is like going back to what you really want out of life, I keep asking myself that. Writing certainly has helped. In the end I feel like its been the slow relief I really needed. My ideas, feelings. I've learned not to discard them so quickly.
I still don't really know what I want, but hope that this feeling of flailing brushes away and I take control.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
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