Back to reality.

I got back from a short visit to Boston today, and met some family friends for dinner. Their daughter lives here and is my sisters age, and it was nice to see a little bit of home. I left Friday and got stuck in a ton of traffic leaving NYC, but it was worth the wait since I got to see Sarah, and my girls and we went to Jacob Wirth a German restaurant that has a piano bar. Once people started getting some drinks in the singing commenced. Good times. I love Boston, I watched Good Will Hunting last weekend when I was at Lauren's and I think the thing I like about it most, is that the nostalgia really hit, I realized that I feel more like a big fish in a small pond. I've recently started looking for internships in Journalism. Print, and Broadcast news and am hoping to start working on some student films. We need more gays am I right ;)?

Its good to be back in Brooklyn, I am hoping to do some NYC stuff this weekend with the girl, maybe go to an art museum. After jaunting back and forth to my mini travels I've realized I'm pretty happy with my life. Although unemployed I've made the best of my situation. I'm changing fields which is a daunting task but I know that I'm smart enough to not give up on something I believe in. The most important lesson I learned at the end of this summer was that upon dreaming big, and allowing myself to own my mistakes is that I stopped caring about finding "her." When I started transitioning, or even when I came out my number focus was 1) getting laid, and 2) finding a girlfriend, or "the one." I was hungry for a relationship. I was lonely, and from an outsiders point of view, it was pretty pathetic. It hurt almost every relationship I ever got into. Crushes turned into one sided affairs that broke my heart. Dates turned into "I'm not looking for a girlfriend," conversations, and in the long run, I think the girls I interacted with could sense this longing and it probably looked very much like desperation. It put alot of pressure on the people I was getting to know, because I was like a love struck puppy. One of the best pieces of advice that helped me cope with this feeling of panic and fear that I was going to never find someone, was on a episode of Ugly Betty. The Editor of a Fashion magazine takes over for the role of his Father and he is desperatly trying to live up to his expectations but is failing miserably. He is a womanizer, is a fish out of water and is close to being let go. His assistants Father befriends him, and in a Fatherly way tells him about his own experience, how he learned how to cook, made a mean guacamole. Made the girls swoon, his cooking turned into a passion, and that passion in return fed his self confidence. Find something you're good at. It may be a challenge, you may not find it anytime soon, but try.

I've always been told I'm a "good writer." I'm expressive, I've always been an outsider, and according to some authors this helps
contribute to the process. Its always been how I survive. Growing up I had a learning disability that I didn't realize unti lI was an adult. I think getting things down on paper is the easiest way to relieve your heart of the things that keep you up late at night, and also the thing that helps you find clarity. At least for me it has been. I'm not necessarily the "creative" fiction type, I'm better at writing about my own feelings. Ever since I got on this agenda to chase after my dreams, I stopped caring about whether or not I had a girlfriend, and started caring more about all the things going on out there in the world. The results have been amazing. I feel like I connect with people more easily, I'm not there to "get it on" but to learn about them and share a few laughs, so I make new friends. And since I have no intention of settling down quite yet, I feel socially more confident in myself, I've lost weight and my identity has a renewed sense of accomplishment and wonder. I love that feeling. I love getting compliments on how I look healthy and happy. The fact is I am pretty fucking happy. I live in special city, I have parents who love me despite my flaws, I have friends who know all of my misgivings and we can laugh about it openly. I know I'm not perfect, I'm flawed and selfish and downright goofy at times. But underneath all that, the person I see, is someone who is doing their best, who is honest, who is nice and also very caring. I am out there, loving and learning and at the end of the day, I can respect myself for that.

Summer's over baby...

Tonight I attended an al-anon meeting for the first time. The purpose of the support group is for those with partners, family members or other to share their stories having been affected by a loved one with substance abuse. I found out this past Christmas that my brother was a meth addict. He is the only boy in our family, and is younger than me. For so long, more specifically this entire year I've failed to recognize the signs and was in deep denial of his addiction. All I know was that I felt a tremendous amount of pressure from my Mom to counsel her, console her, to solve it. In my own error I realized that this wasn't the case. She simply needed my support. My brother didn't need me to turn off his addiction, my Mom didn't want me to solve his issues, she just needed someone to talk to her, advise her. To listen.

The purpose of my blog this summer started out with the strongest thing I've ever offered to myself; the freedom to express myself unapologetically. At first I apologized to everyone for transitioning, famliy members, friends, strangers, in relationships. I did it by hunchig my shoulders and awkwarldly staring at the men & womens room when I had to go to the bathroom, and I still question so many things and am sorting it out one day at a time, but I know this. My brothers strength in recodnizing his addiction was larger than himself, admiting he was scared, hit his own perosnal rock bottom and checking himself into re-hab have inspired me beyond his knowledge. Am I still scared? Admitedly yes. I was afraid I'd lose him for good, But I've told him how I feel. That I love him. Unconditionally. That he is a good brother and I understand why he went trough this. It's all I need to say because it's true. I know he's trying to find his path the best that he can just like I am.

I need to be on my own at times to realize I am self reliant enough to accomplish the things I really want. I am so grateful for others strength, support and kind words and for sharing their own stories. It helps me more than they could possibly know. I know I have this. Compassion. Love. Courage. Heart. A positive outlook to the future, and most of all the will to survive.

Lauren lovingly told me when I commented on this chill in the air this weekend that it didn't feel like summer anymore that it was actually Fall, and she knows I have "Peter Pan syndrome" with getting a job and everything else but I think for my own sake I'm fully ready to take on everything. I really do want to apply to NYU's Tische in their Documentary Studies Program, or a MA in Journalism. I'd love to report, write, and tap into that side of my brain since another purpose of this blog was to work on developing those skills (for free) and give myself a subject matter to devote my love to. I feel as a queer filmaker/writer I can create films for the Trans spectrum because there is a place where we belong. (I am also looking into teaching) After all, what I really wanted was to answer this quote.

"The dedicated life is a life worth living. Find something to love with your whole heart. Discover what inspires your biggest dreams. Seek out a challenge that creates positive change, speaks of your purpose and makes a difference in the world. Throw yourself something to believe in, that asks for your very best. A good life is not lived by chance, but by choice." LIVE GOOD

As my acting teacher Tom Waites once said, "each one of us has our own unique and special attribute in which we can bring to our performances, a part of our personality that is beautiful and magnetic." I truly believe that and try to hold onto it every day living in such a large & exciting city where you could lose your "specialness". You guys make me feel good every time I hear from you. I look forward to the Fall, pumpkin spice lattes, getting back into the job market and being out there. I am working 2 days at the Fashion show this week, and going to the Job Fair at the Gay Center which has an exciting line up. I just wanted to say....

Thank you for reading, and all of my love.

Ice Cream!!!!

I get to go to Ashley's Ice Cream in New Haven when I head out to see my girl for the weekend. We've managed to split our weekends between Brooklyn & her place so its sometimes nice to get out of the city. I developed a major sweet tooth upon moving here, and also feel like I learned how to lighten up quite a bit. On Monday it was exactly 1 year that I finally accomplished something I've always wanted to do, move to New York City. Since I am unemployed I've had time and opportunity to look back, today I was trying to think of my "top ten favorite NYC" moments. I noticed that it wasn't the place, the money I had or didn't have, it was the people I was with, hanging out with an old college friend, having the girls come up from Boston, meeting intoxicating new girls at bars and having one too many, hanging out with friends and having fun. It came down to that. Sure, I had fun jobs and plenty I hated, but overall its the time when you are lost in the moment enjoying the persons company so completely that everything else sort of dissipates. I feel like I am heading in the right direction, and that feels good. You know, they say if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.....

ps. Alice Wu in her moving "Saving Face," called her project a love note to the city of New York.
Well...thats pretty ambitious. Consider this post as my neon post it note to a place I love, lets me be who I am,
and basically rocks my socks off.

She Said.

I once had a High School English Teacher tell her class that if it was between the greatest conversation of her life and the best sex she would choose conversation. To a group of curious high school kids this went over our heads and I'm probably the only one who even remembers her putting this out there until this very day. And for someone all hopped up on T and with hormones comparable to a 17 year old boy, I doubt I can really relate even still to her admission. But at the same time I recognize the depth of what she is saying. Have you ever talked with someone all night? Told them what you want to be "when you grow up," the things you did as a kid, or even things you haven't told your Mother or your best friend? Or maybe a conversation with someone new at a bar, a difference in opinion, or finding out that their passion is going to a developing country to do HIV counseling. Whatever moves you. I know one friend in Boston, a guy friend named Nat who I could talk to for an hour, our common curiosity on everything under the sun; books, movies, ideas, political figures, you name it. I always walk away with a sense of hopefulness after talking with him. Or with a close friend; someone you can tell your stories too or look back, someone who used to be so innocent and dorky that it makes you love them that much more. Sometimes in the art of talking, the act of really listening is something I fail to do. It has hurt so many of my friendships but I tend to overcome it by confessing that I'm not perfect but I really want to try. I am defensive, sometimes I stop listening if I'm not interested. I'm selfish, etc. I so want a career that depends very heavily on being able to be a active listener, Journalism much like acting is interdependent on connecting with someone you are speaking with. That act of digging out of them the root of their emotion and sharing it is truly an art. They trust you to share the intimate details of who they are. I need more practice, I definitely need to get out of my comfort zone and need to get my hands dirty. I am meeting a Graduate Assistant tomorrow and am forwarding a Cover Letter to a Fox News Anchor I met at Kings Highway a month ago for Mentoring advice. Other than that I'm just doing all that I can to get the disgruntled writer out of me.

An Author once wrote that Journalism is the perfect pathway to writing the piece of Fiction you've always wanted to produce. That it trains you to observe the details and characters and learn to be edited. "Tell the story that's been growing in your heart, the characters you can't keep out of your head" she advises. I don't know that I have it all formed, but its on its way to you, from me.