Summer's over baby...

Tonight I attended an al-anon meeting for the first time. The purpose of the support group is for those with partners, family members or other to share their stories having been affected by a loved one with substance abuse. I found out this past Christmas that my brother was a meth addict. He is the only boy in our family, and is younger than me. For so long, more specifically this entire year I've failed to recognize the signs and was in deep denial of his addiction. All I know was that I felt a tremendous amount of pressure from my Mom to counsel her, console her, to solve it. In my own error I realized that this wasn't the case. She simply needed my support. My brother didn't need me to turn off his addiction, my Mom didn't want me to solve his issues, she just needed someone to talk to her, advise her. To listen.

The purpose of my blog this summer started out with the strongest thing I've ever offered to myself; the freedom to express myself unapologetically. At first I apologized to everyone for transitioning, famliy members, friends, strangers, in relationships. I did it by hunchig my shoulders and awkwarldly staring at the men & womens room when I had to go to the bathroom, and I still question so many things and am sorting it out one day at a time, but I know this. My brothers strength in recodnizing his addiction was larger than himself, admiting he was scared, hit his own perosnal rock bottom and checking himself into re-hab have inspired me beyond his knowledge. Am I still scared? Admitedly yes. I was afraid I'd lose him for good, But I've told him how I feel. That I love him. Unconditionally. That he is a good brother and I understand why he went trough this. It's all I need to say because it's true. I know he's trying to find his path the best that he can just like I am.

I need to be on my own at times to realize I am self reliant enough to accomplish the things I really want. I am so grateful for others strength, support and kind words and for sharing their own stories. It helps me more than they could possibly know. I know I have this. Compassion. Love. Courage. Heart. A positive outlook to the future, and most of all the will to survive.

Lauren lovingly told me when I commented on this chill in the air this weekend that it didn't feel like summer anymore that it was actually Fall, and she knows I have "Peter Pan syndrome" with getting a job and everything else but I think for my own sake I'm fully ready to take on everything. I really do want to apply to NYU's Tische in their Documentary Studies Program, or a MA in Journalism. I'd love to report, write, and tap into that side of my brain since another purpose of this blog was to work on developing those skills (for free) and give myself a subject matter to devote my love to. I feel as a queer filmaker/writer I can create films for the Trans spectrum because there is a place where we belong. (I am also looking into teaching) After all, what I really wanted was to answer this quote.

"The dedicated life is a life worth living. Find something to love with your whole heart. Discover what inspires your biggest dreams. Seek out a challenge that creates positive change, speaks of your purpose and makes a difference in the world. Throw yourself something to believe in, that asks for your very best. A good life is not lived by chance, but by choice." LIVE GOOD

As my acting teacher Tom Waites once said, "each one of us has our own unique and special attribute in which we can bring to our performances, a part of our personality that is beautiful and magnetic." I truly believe that and try to hold onto it every day living in such a large & exciting city where you could lose your "specialness". You guys make me feel good every time I hear from you. I look forward to the Fall, pumpkin spice lattes, getting back into the job market and being out there. I am working 2 days at the Fashion show this week, and going to the Job Fair at the Gay Center which has an exciting line up. I just wanted to say....

Thank you for reading, and all of my love.