Back to reality.

I got back from a short visit to Boston today, and met some family friends for dinner. Their daughter lives here and is my sisters age, and it was nice to see a little bit of home. I left Friday and got stuck in a ton of traffic leaving NYC, but it was worth the wait since I got to see Sarah, and my girls and we went to Jacob Wirth a German restaurant that has a piano bar. Once people started getting some drinks in the singing commenced. Good times. I love Boston, I watched Good Will Hunting last weekend when I was at Lauren's and I think the thing I like about it most, is that the nostalgia really hit, I realized that I feel more like a big fish in a small pond. I've recently started looking for internships in Journalism. Print, and Broadcast news and am hoping to start working on some student films. We need more gays am I right ;)?

Its good to be back in Brooklyn, I am hoping to do some NYC stuff this weekend with the girl, maybe go to an art museum. After jaunting back and forth to my mini travels I've realized I'm pretty happy with my life. Although unemployed I've made the best of my situation. I'm changing fields which is a daunting task but I know that I'm smart enough to not give up on something I believe in. The most important lesson I learned at the end of this summer was that upon dreaming big, and allowing myself to own my mistakes is that I stopped caring about finding "her." When I started transitioning, or even when I came out my number focus was 1) getting laid, and 2) finding a girlfriend, or "the one." I was hungry for a relationship. I was lonely, and from an outsiders point of view, it was pretty pathetic. It hurt almost every relationship I ever got into. Crushes turned into one sided affairs that broke my heart. Dates turned into "I'm not looking for a girlfriend," conversations, and in the long run, I think the girls I interacted with could sense this longing and it probably looked very much like desperation. It put alot of pressure on the people I was getting to know, because I was like a love struck puppy. One of the best pieces of advice that helped me cope with this feeling of panic and fear that I was going to never find someone, was on a episode of Ugly Betty. The Editor of a Fashion magazine takes over for the role of his Father and he is desperatly trying to live up to his expectations but is failing miserably. He is a womanizer, is a fish out of water and is close to being let go. His assistants Father befriends him, and in a Fatherly way tells him about his own experience, how he learned how to cook, made a mean guacamole. Made the girls swoon, his cooking turned into a passion, and that passion in return fed his self confidence. Find something you're good at. It may be a challenge, you may not find it anytime soon, but try.

I've always been told I'm a "good writer." I'm expressive, I've always been an outsider, and according to some authors this helps
contribute to the process. Its always been how I survive. Growing up I had a learning disability that I didn't realize unti lI was an adult. I think getting things down on paper is the easiest way to relieve your heart of the things that keep you up late at night, and also the thing that helps you find clarity. At least for me it has been. I'm not necessarily the "creative" fiction type, I'm better at writing about my own feelings. Ever since I got on this agenda to chase after my dreams, I stopped caring about whether or not I had a girlfriend, and started caring more about all the things going on out there in the world. The results have been amazing. I feel like I connect with people more easily, I'm not there to "get it on" but to learn about them and share a few laughs, so I make new friends. And since I have no intention of settling down quite yet, I feel socially more confident in myself, I've lost weight and my identity has a renewed sense of accomplishment and wonder. I love that feeling. I love getting compliments on how I look healthy and happy. The fact is I am pretty fucking happy. I live in special city, I have parents who love me despite my flaws, I have friends who know all of my misgivings and we can laugh about it openly. I know I'm not perfect, I'm flawed and selfish and downright goofy at times. But underneath all that, the person I see, is someone who is doing their best, who is honest, who is nice and also very caring. I am out there, loving and learning and at the end of the day, I can respect myself for that.

Summer's over baby...

Tonight I attended an al-anon meeting for the first time. The purpose of the support group is for those with partners, family members or other to share their stories having been affected by a loved one with substance abuse. I found out this past Christmas that my brother was a meth addict. He is the only boy in our family, and is younger than me. For so long, more specifically this entire year I've failed to recognize the signs and was in deep denial of his addiction. All I know was that I felt a tremendous amount of pressure from my Mom to counsel her, console her, to solve it. In my own error I realized that this wasn't the case. She simply needed my support. My brother didn't need me to turn off his addiction, my Mom didn't want me to solve his issues, she just needed someone to talk to her, advise her. To listen.

The purpose of my blog this summer started out with the strongest thing I've ever offered to myself; the freedom to express myself unapologetically. At first I apologized to everyone for transitioning, famliy members, friends, strangers, in relationships. I did it by hunchig my shoulders and awkwarldly staring at the men & womens room when I had to go to the bathroom, and I still question so many things and am sorting it out one day at a time, but I know this. My brothers strength in recodnizing his addiction was larger than himself, admiting he was scared, hit his own perosnal rock bottom and checking himself into re-hab have inspired me beyond his knowledge. Am I still scared? Admitedly yes. I was afraid I'd lose him for good, But I've told him how I feel. That I love him. Unconditionally. That he is a good brother and I understand why he went trough this. It's all I need to say because it's true. I know he's trying to find his path the best that he can just like I am.

I need to be on my own at times to realize I am self reliant enough to accomplish the things I really want. I am so grateful for others strength, support and kind words and for sharing their own stories. It helps me more than they could possibly know. I know I have this. Compassion. Love. Courage. Heart. A positive outlook to the future, and most of all the will to survive.

Lauren lovingly told me when I commented on this chill in the air this weekend that it didn't feel like summer anymore that it was actually Fall, and she knows I have "Peter Pan syndrome" with getting a job and everything else but I think for my own sake I'm fully ready to take on everything. I really do want to apply to NYU's Tische in their Documentary Studies Program, or a MA in Journalism. I'd love to report, write, and tap into that side of my brain since another purpose of this blog was to work on developing those skills (for free) and give myself a subject matter to devote my love to. I feel as a queer filmaker/writer I can create films for the Trans spectrum because there is a place where we belong. (I am also looking into teaching) After all, what I really wanted was to answer this quote.

"The dedicated life is a life worth living. Find something to love with your whole heart. Discover what inspires your biggest dreams. Seek out a challenge that creates positive change, speaks of your purpose and makes a difference in the world. Throw yourself something to believe in, that asks for your very best. A good life is not lived by chance, but by choice." LIVE GOOD

As my acting teacher Tom Waites once said, "each one of us has our own unique and special attribute in which we can bring to our performances, a part of our personality that is beautiful and magnetic." I truly believe that and try to hold onto it every day living in such a large & exciting city where you could lose your "specialness". You guys make me feel good every time I hear from you. I look forward to the Fall, pumpkin spice lattes, getting back into the job market and being out there. I am working 2 days at the Fashion show this week, and going to the Job Fair at the Gay Center which has an exciting line up. I just wanted to say....

Thank you for reading, and all of my love.

Ice Cream!!!!

I get to go to Ashley's Ice Cream in New Haven when I head out to see my girl for the weekend. We've managed to split our weekends between Brooklyn & her place so its sometimes nice to get out of the city. I developed a major sweet tooth upon moving here, and also feel like I learned how to lighten up quite a bit. On Monday it was exactly 1 year that I finally accomplished something I've always wanted to do, move to New York City. Since I am unemployed I've had time and opportunity to look back, today I was trying to think of my "top ten favorite NYC" moments. I noticed that it wasn't the place, the money I had or didn't have, it was the people I was with, hanging out with an old college friend, having the girls come up from Boston, meeting intoxicating new girls at bars and having one too many, hanging out with friends and having fun. It came down to that. Sure, I had fun jobs and plenty I hated, but overall its the time when you are lost in the moment enjoying the persons company so completely that everything else sort of dissipates. I feel like I am heading in the right direction, and that feels good. You know, they say if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.....

ps. Alice Wu in her moving "Saving Face," called her project a love note to the city of New York.
Well...thats pretty ambitious. Consider this post as my neon post it note to a place I love, lets me be who I am,
and basically rocks my socks off.

She Said.

I once had a High School English Teacher tell her class that if it was between the greatest conversation of her life and the best sex she would choose conversation. To a group of curious high school kids this went over our heads and I'm probably the only one who even remembers her putting this out there until this very day. And for someone all hopped up on T and with hormones comparable to a 17 year old boy, I doubt I can really relate even still to her admission. But at the same time I recognize the depth of what she is saying. Have you ever talked with someone all night? Told them what you want to be "when you grow up," the things you did as a kid, or even things you haven't told your Mother or your best friend? Or maybe a conversation with someone new at a bar, a difference in opinion, or finding out that their passion is going to a developing country to do HIV counseling. Whatever moves you. I know one friend in Boston, a guy friend named Nat who I could talk to for an hour, our common curiosity on everything under the sun; books, movies, ideas, political figures, you name it. I always walk away with a sense of hopefulness after talking with him. Or with a close friend; someone you can tell your stories too or look back, someone who used to be so innocent and dorky that it makes you love them that much more. Sometimes in the art of talking, the act of really listening is something I fail to do. It has hurt so many of my friendships but I tend to overcome it by confessing that I'm not perfect but I really want to try. I am defensive, sometimes I stop listening if I'm not interested. I'm selfish, etc. I so want a career that depends very heavily on being able to be a active listener, Journalism much like acting is interdependent on connecting with someone you are speaking with. That act of digging out of them the root of their emotion and sharing it is truly an art. They trust you to share the intimate details of who they are. I need more practice, I definitely need to get out of my comfort zone and need to get my hands dirty. I am meeting a Graduate Assistant tomorrow and am forwarding a Cover Letter to a Fox News Anchor I met at Kings Highway a month ago for Mentoring advice. Other than that I'm just doing all that I can to get the disgruntled writer out of me.

An Author once wrote that Journalism is the perfect pathway to writing the piece of Fiction you've always wanted to produce. That it trains you to observe the details and characters and learn to be edited. "Tell the story that's been growing in your heart, the characters you can't keep out of your head" she advises. I don't know that I have it all formed, but its on its way to you, from me.

Lit by the fire Sunday night

What is Happiness? I feel "stuck" or wedged in between two very difficult places right now. Half of me is content being kind of a girl, and the other embraces this transition so fully that I feel like an over eager child to step outside and shed my younger skin. Meaning I want my boobs off, and facial hair. I want to smell like a guy, feel like it and be it, and to own it. Did I somehow think this would develop overnight? That something would just pop up during the night? Its mysterious what goes on within my own body, sometimes I feel like its beyond my reach. Its been a few months that I've been on T now, and my sex drive is comparable to a teenage boy x 10. I hate it, but yet I embrace it. Its consuming to those to I love, and distracting at worst.

All along while this happens I've been trying to tackle all the other stuff. Income, Rent, Food, Relationship, Mind, Goals, Family, and I think I am ok. I watched a video on www.ted.com a great site for those looking for a bit of inspiration. One of the things that I am looking into is the possibility of Grad school be it Journalism or Film. While I am treading water financially I feel like this is my window of opportunity to shift like mad into the thing that I really want to do & what I care about. I watched a speech on Motivation by a former speechwriter and he had this to say about shifting paradigms in the workflow. He believes in the power of intrinsic motivation over "Management." That this idea of reporting to someone higher than you is an outdated system, and that some of the really great business ideas like gmail, wikipedia, others were created when employees were asked to go off and think of something they wanted to do.
"Is it Utopia?" He wonders? Not always. His idea is simply this;

Intrinsic Motivation is:
autonomy -urge to direct our own lives
mastery-the desire to get better and better at something that matters
purpose: the yearning to do a service fo something larger than ourselves

Of All the Non-Fiction Career books I've read I think he organizes his idea so easily that its hard for me to ignore. My interpretation is that we are not at the end of the day the amount of debt we've accrued or assets we've accumulated, that job-wise finding something that suits you, or that you are good at has all to do with your personality, the way your mind work and less to do with making lots of widgets. I don't think I've done a very good translating, but I know this. I feel so passionately about what I am doing and that I can one day use all of the steps I've taken to create a map for someone going through the same questions I had. A product of my struggles, ideals, and vision of where I want to go that encompasses the very core of who I am. I haven't figured it all out yet, but think I'm going in the right direction that is satisfying enough. So although I do fear that post surgery, all the facial body hair in the world I can handle and getting my hormones somewhat resolved, I worry that at the root, I still won't be happy. I am working on taking it one day at a time, being happy in the moments, and acknowledging that I can choose to be ok for right now. To love my body day in and day out and forgive the little things I cannot change. Is it working? I think Shrek said it best (I'm quoting a Pixar Movie???) "That'll do."

What would Jesus Do?

In 2004 Curt Schilling the Red Sox pitcher was quoted in the Boston Globe saying about the Team "Why Not Us?" It became a catch phrase as the Sox went on to create my favorite moments in Baseball. His quote about his ability to allow himself to believe in God, and post his personal believes while those around him gave him flack relentlessly. God? You could be attacked in this city for believing. For being true to your faith. I've recieved a few emails from family Members and their e-mails citing God. "I was made this way" they say "Its natural, why change what is real and true? "My experience with God is up and down. I am Episcopalian and babtized by Family, and while raised by a Scientist (My Dad) and a true believer (My Mom) I fall strongly in between with a little more faith than most. I once spoke with a friend named Mary Beth in high school after she got really "into God" We had a intro to Guitar class and we were just teenagers. We were discussing lyrics to a band and I asked her about what religion meanto to her and why it was so important. Not be be intrusive but because I could see it truly meant something to her. "God = Love" was all she said with a content smile. I didn't need any other explanation, and I've never had to justify my relationship with religion or faith again. There are those who can challenge my own beliefs or tell me that what I am doing is wrong according to "God." I don't believe it though. I defend my right to interpret my personal beliefs and think I am entitled to have a relationship with it on my own terms. That I can prey for the things that I want and that when I truly need it, it will be there for me because I believe in a simple basic idea that it in fact exists. Let them judge. Let Props in CA grow and change and let us fight all the while letting my own truths to be solid. You are entitled to your opinion, and so am I.

I used to fight with my ex-girlfriend about who would minister our wedding. She was Jewish by birth and I wanted my childhood priest a friend of the Family up there at the alter. I've learned that religion has more to do with personal beliefs to help you through difficult times then listening to what others will interpret for you and it makes all the difference for me to make strides in something I am struggling with.

In Boston I ate a big brunch during my first year after moving from NH I had the time to sit around and read the Boston Sunday Globe and in it was an article the best I've ever read on something pertaining to religion by Pope John Paul II. In the article it was appearant his health was deteriorating which is maybe why his insight really hit home. "With all the different ways we have to communicate nowadays be it the phone, internet, text messaging, I wonder if it truly makes us better connected to one another. Are we all that much happier? Does it make us love more openly" he asks? I'd have to agree. In my generation which I live in unapologietically I am able to come out, be trans. Only a small percentage have ever really truly had the honesty to tell me what I am doing is wrong or goes against the grain and I respect that. I guess what I have to say is this, Mary Beth's words meant more to me than an explanation on why God meant so much to her. It was something I could grip onto for the rest of my life. I could move through it with time holding onto an idea that I didn't have to have a complicated debate or discussion on why God wouldn't condemn me to hell for loving women, or wanting the right to have a family. My relationship with him isn't negated due to my choices and its something I can stand by. It isn't greater to or less than its just equal too. The idea that love "conquers all" is so solid in its foundation that this is the only thing I ever need to remember and push me through difficult times.

Back from the Cape

If you ever really want to get to know the person you love, spend 15 minutes with their Mother. Is there a reason that on important documents, legal, financial etc it asks one to list their Mothers Maiden name? Call me niave but is it built into our own gene code that a Mother could never really leave their child? I speak from experience. Although adopted I consider my Mother to be the greatest woman I know. Not just because she's wise, generous, intelligent, fun and sensible. Its because she loves the hell out of her kids, she can tell them when they are fucking up their lives, and she is probably the most outgoing warm individuals I've ever met. This week I headed to CT to join Lauren for a few days before driving to Boston for my best friends birthday bash and a week down on the Cape camping in North Truro with her own family.

I knew it was going to be tough due to the fact that I have a hard time having the people I love meet the people I am dating, its just a bit hard to balance their expectations, make sure everyone is happy, you know. You want them to see the person you have come to know & love but that doesn't always shine through initially. Lauren is also someone who I've dated and for the first time I am not teenage crazy intense love. Its more like a slow burn. A comforting welcome thing that I let into my life unexpectadly. I love her unexplainable desire to make everyone around her happy at her own cost sometimes. I feel closer to her than I ever have but realized more about me that I was ready for. I also confirmed my desire to get surgery. For the first time in awhile I let myself unconnect from my own crazy little world. I stopped thinking about transitioning and all the other things I was hoarding and let it be on the back burner knowing I could come back to it. I thought long & hard about my own family dynamics and where I fit in and how much I love them for exactly who they are be it 3,000 miles away.

I also got some intense news about my brother which was the thing I needed to hear most. I cried and she held me. I cried some more and she never let me feel like I was being weak for knowing that he had re-conneted with my Mother in this way that I couldn't fathom. I put space between my Mom that I needed and she respected it, she let me recharge and call her to discuss it on my own time table. I'm not always good at this. I sometimes don't know how to balance what is stifling and what is indiependence in relationships. I needed to get out of my own head for a bit and I did but at what cost. I don't think I'll lose her, I don't think I'm ready to go fuck a bunch of random strangers and get dirty and be wild but I also don't know what I want all the time and this really hurts the people that I love.

Its comforting to know that she is so patient with me, it makes me happy that we had that time together and that when I return to my city that is hot, dirty & crowded after being beautiful Capetown nature child that I'll find a way to fall in love with Brooklyn again. Its almost September, school starts for many and its that sad sort of time where its hot as hell but you go back to the real world and start anew. Its that time where you have to man up to the realities of your life and come to terms with dealing with your issues and fix themIts time for me to go kick ass in New York knowing what I want to do. I'm going to be tough.

August 24 & its possibilities

Last night I called my Dad, I heard from the surgical coordinator & they wanted to see if I had Aug 17 free. It just so happened that I had the 24th, and they are scheduling me for Top Surgery! (If Aetna approves it) Last time I checked I don't have $8,000 in my bank account, I am an unemployed bum who writes all day in my boxers. I called my Parents, my Mom was at a book club meeting but I chatted with my Step Dad & Sister, and got ahold of my Dad later that night. In spite of everything he told me he would fly 3,000 miles and ask someone in his field to cover his surgeries (He's a Veterinarian) and come take care of me. His Eldest, his kid. This is huge, I also think my Step-Mom showed him how to use the computer because I got this yesterday!

"hi jean, this my first attempt very slow!! hunt and peck. am seeing patty this week. bye for now love dad" What can I say he's
more of a work with your hands outside, golf, build stuff on the wood work bench kinda guy! I was really touched that he agreed to this and also find it kind of funny picturing my Dad nursing me back to health in my Brooklyn 4 story walk up. They say it only takes a week post-op and it hasn't been approved, but in the end I think its just knowing, that no matter what. He'd be there for me.

I have a ton of errands to do & laundry & then my love comes tomorrow, hoping your weekend is fun!

Time & Patience

"It comes from my body. There's no way I can fight it." Beth Ditto discussing her vocal style. A loud, curvy femme, damn fierce advocate for gays who's gravely voice still sits on my mind as I ride from New Haven to Grand Central thinking about so many things. There is nothing I could take more and directly relate it to my own experience in transitioning. In the song "Heavy Cross" Ditto nails notes and all I can do is rock out and smile. I want to know everything about her. Like when she's all sweaty on stage ragin, and truly doesn't give a fuck about what she looks like compared to the industry, and how she made it this far, I wanna know. Where did you find the strength to be so strong in your own skin?

Lately I've been so inspired by my young peers. From Kit Yan (slam poet) who I caught on a youtube video getting completly lost in his abilty to vent all transitional frustrations through the artistic validation of words. Another friend out in Northern California has put pretty much her entire passion or hobby into a foodie blog and seeing her updates remind me of what a talented writer she is, completly true to herself. I love that it can be circled, shared and I feel energized. I see people putting all of their energy into that thing they love, and all I do is write, think, process, write. Is this my calling?

This weekend I was able to post with my girl and we talked a bit about T, Leslie Feinberg, & share in general some time together which is always wonderful. I know I have a hard time with the distance, and being patient in general but I'm trying to be better. I bought her lilies, and they bloomed while I was there, and a book by an author we both love and we are reading it aloud before we go to bed. I love my Sunday nights with her.

I had the chance to speak with Alex, a former co-worker and also one of the first people I've told work wise that I wish to transition. She was great and had good questions for me and offered to be a "subject" again so I am definitely going to take her up on her offer. She is super easy to talk to and a great listener & quite a funny girl. One of the things she said I didn't even really hear until I was editing & watching the video was about letting my transition if it is someone else's issue, let it be theirs. I think hearing it from her made me think that I was holding on too tightly for my family to approve of this thing I'm doing.
Do I really need that stamp of approval, right now I'm just me, and in the future if my body changes life moves forward, why do I struggle to let their hesitation make me pull away from them? I love my sisters,my brother, my Parents, I was organizing my room & found all these old photos of us and it made me realize, not much has changed. My happiest memories will always live with them.

Surgery Updates:

The battle definitely rages on. One of the hard things I had to face was that although I've sent in my letters, I also have to transition (possibly) legally meaning changing my drivers license, I am still a CA resident technically and my passport expired this year. I have to change my status at my parent company The Washington Post (M) on all docs. to have coverage on T, and submit all in to Aetna, and then they can deny/ accept my claim. The most important thing I think is the "real life experience" which in the Benjamin Standards of care (Protocol that are used to treat Trans patients) and something that I've found useful (also delays gratification) which is living a full year as a Male & not switching back. The Policy Bulletin is kind of grey. The one thing I can always be grateful for is the people I've worked with in this transition, my Therapists are super patient, my Surgeons are rad, and my girl is super into my physical changes, she actually stole my t-shirt and was smelling it because I kind of smell like T. Although I'm beyond confused by the process I feel like each day I get closer to something I really want and I have faith in myself that this persuit is truly the direction I want. In Febuary I'll turn 30, and although I feel more like I've turned 17 again, I am happy, healthy, optimistic. I laugh easily and am so glad I get to share this with you.

Here are my posts have fun!

Oh Boy!

I haven't posted in awhile due to the fact that I finally got around to telling my Dad & sisters and needed some time to clear my head. Here is some video on it.



I'm still so excited about this blog, I saw that a decent amount of people checked out my youtube video which made me smile. I'm really proud of what I'm doing, I know its still a long road, and that I still look like a 12 year old boy, but I have a sense of direction that I've been missing, for like my whole life. That feels pretty great even though I struggle in the moment sometimes.

One of the l things about this blog/ video project that I am passionate about is that I am learning. About the legal matters, health risks, and the emotional issues that one goes through, and its given me the chance to "give birth" to something I care deeply about. I am able to take the things going on with me, and put them outside myself, and look at them objectively at times, and then release it. Its the outlet I was seeking and I know I say thank you all the time, but again. Thank you, for watching.

While visiting with Lauren's extended family I met quite a few people all very warm & friendly, also some elderly folks, at one point I was sitting with a flock of them outside on a picnic table and felt perfectly content just talking about ice fishing and the good ol days. One woman hugged me and told me she thought I would be successful no matter what I did. I don't know why but I found that to be very encouraging. (Maybe its the fact that I'm unemployed, poor, and restless) I needed to hear something kind. I did end up talking to my Dad tonight, and he told me despite it being hard on him, he supported me. Thats just my Dad though, he's one of the most giving people I know (besides my Mom & Brother) I have the greatest family & I miss them. I still think of my wacky golden retriever Sandy digging for tennis balls in our yard shaking her tail wildly. They hold onto my past, I think they know I'm still just Jean. Or I hope so.

Changes...
Exciting things happen body while on T, one of them happens to be an increase in energy & sex drive. I've noticed a huge upswing in both. Sometimes I'm good, I'll go running, ride my bike or walk around the city. and as far as the lovin, lets just say that I feel like a 16 year old boy on the inside. Transitioning while in something that looks like a relationship, and talks like a relationship has been of great comfort.

You would be surprised by those who will support you.
While eating lunch with one of my guy friends from College (and he lives just a few blocks down from me!) commented on my hairy armpits saying "hair doesn't make you a guy." It wasn't a challenge, or a threat it was more of a lesson. Sometimes I really do feel like an awkward 14 year old boy, buying Gillette shavers, packing, condoms, wanting....

There is one thing that always helps. When I got out of the shower the other day Lauren told me she likes my clean boy smell. Swoon.

Acceptance. Family

"As far as family goes, try not to let your family members hurt your feelings. I know it's hard sometime, but do what you can. As you go through life, you want to take care of yourself and your feelings. Don't look to your family for validation. Easier said than done, I know. And, speak your mind to your family in a kind way, either in writing or verbally. We all need to be brought up and corrected from time to time."

This was an email my Mom wrote me when I was having an argument with one of my sisters when I flew home from Boston to Eureka CA. Sometimes I love being home, sometimes its difficult. (Ok having them wait on you and make you food and give you hugs and playing with your dogs isn't hard) I guess you get used to living your own life, in your own version of home somewhere else, the one you make. I guess with all the distance I forgot that I did need my families acceptance and sense of validation on this thing I was going through, I just didn't know how to say it.

On July 19th 2007 I wrote in my online journal that I thought the life of an FTM would be too difficult. That I wasn't strong enough to do it. That I was too sensitive. I didn't know if it was "me." Sitting here now I am amazed at how far I've come, and also am beginning to realize the physical gap within my family. I've had old co-workers, high school friends email me their kind words, it literally almost made me cry (I'm on T so maybe thats why I didn't) One e-mail I received from a guy I haven't talked to in awhile but we kind of grew up together, you know tree forts, camping, playing outside...the good old days! His words of acceptance seemed to wipe away some of my current frustrations and I just wanted to say, thank you.

My sister called me & she didn't know about all this, its difficult for her, as it is for one of my best friends who I recently saw.
I am noticing that the people I am closest to haven't really said much. I can go on and on how I'm "cool" with that and I don't need their support I just need them to not kick me out of their life based on my choices. Its kind of a lie. I want it to be one big happy celebration, yay boobs off, shirt off Jean = Happy!!! This is something I look forward to when I wake up, having facial hair, looking like a boy. Being a boy. To me I've had the courage to step into who I am. I think they need their own time to process it, they are 3,000 miles away from me. In the end they gave me the "my body my choice" route and I can accept that. I can't expect them to feel a certain way, its unrealistic. Can I hope that they will gradually warm up to it? Certainly.

All I can do is keep going down this path. As others have said I wouldn't be any good to them if I stopped doing this, becoming who I am. It will take them time to adjust, but all I can keep telling myself is this. Don't run away from the things you desire. Fight for it, fight yourself, all of those internal battles, the wrestling match that goes on within. Let yourself go into this unknown because certainly, realizing yourself will create freedom you've never known before.

I love me, finally. Thank you for loving me too.
Jean

So what is your favorite thing about New York?

I'd like to hear your answer! Mine is iced coffee & bagels at any time of the day, for example I just jumped out of the shower & am feeling like a coff/bag right now (2:30 PM) and I can go over to my corner & get one ;) I mean you could do this anywhere but its the small things right?!

I wanted to thank again my two Doctors who will be submitting my letters to Aetna by the end of the week & also to a few of the trans folks who found me on okcupid to meet up for tennis/ dinner & chillin! I am surely feeling the love!

Best,

Jean

Relationships.

Is it ever safe to fall in love? No. Is it worth it every time? Absolutely.

I am seeing a girl now who opened me up to something that I didn't realize I was doing. I was afraid to fall in love again. After having your heart broken its sometimes hard to remember that it mends. I had my fair share of one night stands, and while they were fun something felt empty about it. It was hard for me to pretend that I didn't care, to pretend I wasn't jealous watching someone I really like kiss someone else. I was afraid of risking my heart and focused on loving myself. And while that is truly important to establish that relationship with yourself and take the time to love who you are becoming, its not advisable to shut others out. "We should be in the business of multiplication and addition." Gregory T Angelo once wrote in an article about inclusion for gay marriage. How do these two things connect you might ask? I was so busy loving me that I didn't realize I put up some pretty hard core walls, I was getting myself on solid ground knowing I could transition alone, but could I let someone else in to watch, to join? Hell no. I was so scared of that. She reminded me that I deserved it and not to hold this piece of myself away from my heart. (Her exact words) To those of you who have found the person you want to share your dreams, ideas and truths with I can now better understand how amazing that feels.

Here is a pic of her & I on the train ride down to Coney Island which she was excited for all week! We watched the fireworks (her idea) on the beach snuggled together on the sand and looked out across the ocean which was dark accept for the boat lights. Her warmth, kindness & love for life is insatiable. Enough of this gooey stuff, I need to be outside!

Family

Part of being adopted is realizing that families are created in so many different ways. Perfect example is Thomas Beatie. Beatie gave birth to his daughter around this time last year, Beatie has since then given birth to a boy. My desire to have a family came at a really young age. In fact I distinctly remember asking my Mom for my OWN baby when I was like 6 years old. (Ok no I'm not normal) I mean but how cute is that??? I love kids. One of the difficult things about transitioning is that kids always do a double take when they see me, depending on their age they either stare or ask plain & simply "are you a boy or a girl?" I've even had a little toddler stare at me & then point out "BOY!!" And while I thought this was simply adorable, it is hard for me to talk to little kids because I always feel slightly uncomfortable, while they are innocently prying at what gender I am as does society, I am just trying to be me. There is nothing wrong with what they are doing, its just that it can be a little ahem awwkwaard for me.

Another thing I do is stare at babies when I am out in the city walking around, as I do with dogs. Most of the time I will get strange looks from both Mother & baby when I do said activity. Other times people will sit and talk to me and go so far as to push their babies hand towards mine in a playful manner realizing that I am female and "playing" with me. This always touches me. Its not easy being a parent. I know this.

I guess I'm just at that age...my friends are starting to have kids, even my baby cousin the youngest of the family is now driving! I always knew I'd grow up & have kids. Now that I'm finally here, it seems like its in the distance, always beyond some horizon that I can't seem to get to. Thats ok with me, to be perfectly honest, I don't know that I would be a very good Mommy right now anyway.

That is until somebody gave me some good advice. It was my Psychiatrist actually. I was telling her how I was going to pursue T until I was satisfied with its results, always knowing that I could stop whenever I chose to, and that I wanted to do it safely and healthily so that in the incident that I was not married, did not have a partner to carry my baby that I could one day give birth. I wanted, still want that option. Testosterone changes the effects of your body and stops your period. Therefore the chances of having a child lessen. After hearing all this my Doctor mentioned to me (she is an older Spanish lady) looked at me and told me how she got pregnant very late in life, she is past the age of 40 and had both of her children back to back when most Doctors told her she was lucky to have even one child healthy at all. "Don't wait too long" she said. "Having a baby isn't about how much money you have in the bank, or establishing the perfect career." (Both of my excuses for not being knocked up. Oh and the little fact of being minus sperm) "It is about wanting to care for a child." Maybe you won't wait until you are 40, I think 35 is a good age." There we go, a little bit more of unsolicited advice. I have to say I walked out feeling kind of, I dunno hopeful.

Where might all this be coming from you might ask? Well its kind of silly but it came from an article I read last year on a review for Harry Potter, the writer commented on how he couldn't wait until his kid was old enough to understand the books so he could read all of them together. Ahhhhh that sounds nice. Don't you think I'd look cute with a snuggly and a little ball of hair poking out of the top? I mean a baby folks.

Peace & love,
Jean

Video!!!

My MacBook comes equipped with Video wahoo!!! Here are some videos of me injecting & talking about T. I wanted to give a shout out to the Bronx Community Health Center which has been an invaluable resource, especially my Therapist & Physician who help me feel positive about my body & choices. Thank you.





Got a little unsteady while filming & injecting...maybe next time!



Last but not least!

Learning....

Last night felt important. I did my usual wandering around like a homeless person with no care in the world (unemployment rules!) and only a free day and time on my hands. I met with my acting partner in Madison Square Park, I managed to make smiles on the park bench, and I cannot emphasize how GOOD that feels. When requesting video equipment to start my pet project a "trans documentary" someone replied saying they would be happy to lend me their handheld camcorder to play around and shoot with. This thrilled me. I hope to shoot tons of footage/ interviews and create a blue print & message that can speak to my own experience of transitioning and my exploration with connecting to the community and the positive change that it has made in my life. As soon as its up I'll try posting some youtube videos!

At my support meeting at the Gay Center two things touched me. I'll mention one. Someone asked ME about how I knew I was trans and I got to share. I usually get really nervous when I speak in groups but this time was different. (I'm talking about heart pounding/ gut wrenching fear people!!!) I was able to share, openly and without any reservation about the first time I went into a trans meeting after researching it online and choosing to attend. Most of the folks had been on T for over 3 years, and I was this baby faced kid of the group, pre T, fish out of water, totally naive of the struggle that one goes through when entering this battle. Because it is a fight, for your life, to be who you are, to just get there... I can't explain the struggle but I can attest to the aggravation with health insurance companies, pharmacies, doctors, appointments. There is no way for me to gripe about this here without also stating from the bottom of my heart how grateful I am to those who go out of their way selflessly to serve this community. To give back. I guess thats why it was an awakening for me last night, because here was somebody asking ME what that felt like. I can literally point back into time and look at myself then, my eyes like a deer in the headlights staring at men, boys, guys, dudes, in all shapes sizes and forms living their life to the fullest as the opposite sex they were born in. And yes I did question why I was there, was this me? Aren't I just a dyke? Butch? Boyish? When people call me sir, or stare at me when I go in the women's room or mistake me for a guy I flinch. I feel like part of my identity is mistaken.

But its something about this period the "in between" as they call it that makes everything become clear on why you are fighting, questioning and exploring head on. It's because you want to pursue who you truly are and you don't know who that is. If I could put words on myself then sitting in that meeting in 2008 just one summer ago to the person that I am now I would have to admit that learning how to eliminate one word from my vocabulary has made all the difference. The word No.

I remember when I was "girly" in college, I tried sleeping with boys to have that whole experience that all my female friends from home were having, and I remember coming out at the end of college and discovering what it was like to make out with a girl. Hot!

I remember when I started hanging out with boyish looking girls that wore their hat backward and were mistaken for guys all the time and remember laughing and saying no when someone suggested I cut my hair short. My pants got baggier, my hair got shorter. One summer I shaved it off. I lived in my boyishness and to those who knew me they call me she, her & I was somewhat happy & content, but there was something missing, and maybe then I couldn't even identify what that was.

At a trans meeting I sat in on a bottom surgery conference hosted by a well known West Coast Doctor who specialized with a small practice. I remember saying no then. But I never remember saying no to top surgery. I've wanted it since I was 14. Its only now that I've said yes to everything in my life. Yes Jean you should finally fucking move to NYC, yes you should keep on T, yes you should ask that girl to dance, yes take that class you always wanted to. yes yes yes.

I learned how to embrace what I truly want for myself and knowing in the back of my mind that resisting those desires take me away from the path that I'm supposed to be on. I can't say no anymore, because I never know what lies ahead, and how opening myself up to something is truly going to make change for the better. I still struggle with my identity, and I also have a hatred for the secretiveness that is apparent in the trans society, I know very well why its there and who's to say that once I fully transition that I won't elect it for myself. But for now I want to expose all of myself to those who could take something away from my experience, because I've been given everything and am only now starting to give a little back and that feeling fills me up inside in a way that nothing else ever could.

Looking into that persons eyes that had this yearning, this youthful expression that only one with the true desire to pursue something impossible could give. Someone who was fighting for their life and turning to ask for direction to speak of my own events and experiences and share. How did you know?

I just knew. And you will too.

On Acting...

Its been too long since I've last posted. I am in a weird transitory state in my life right now which has been both a blessing but also troublesome for me. I was laid off at my most recent job in New York City and have found myself with a whole lot of time on my hands. This has given me the opportunity to really think about what it is that I want to do, and be, and to be honest, sitting on a park bench at 2PM on a Monday watching the world go by is...awesome! I guess I'm just not really ready to grow up quite yet. I was at a dinner party with a girl I am seeing on Saturday night in Park Slope and this woman gave me some unsolicited advice. "Just figure out what you want to do next. Then you take all that pressure off of yourself on who you are." This is coming from a woman who started what is called the Mountain School in Vermont. Something about a farming school for high school students in the valley. That really hit me.

I've been looking at several different things to do in my life, journalism/ broadcasting/ I enrolled in an acting class at the School of Visual Arts, and I am still pursuing my FTM path, and top surgery. I guess all I can do is take this thing one day at a time. My personality is conducive to instant results but this isn't always what comes about.

I had a nice talk with the girl that I am seeing now, and something became instantly clear. Conversations, communication when used in the correct way can enhance your personal comfort. For example, in my therapy session that is required by my Health Clinic which supports FTM's I was scolded for not making timely follow up appointments, which in turn got me to pour out how frustrated I was with the insurance process. This then led me to confess to my very wise therapist that what I needed help. I needed guidance, and in the end he was there for me.

Another example is my acting class at SVA, my teacher is classically trained, went to Juilliard and was harping on me for not memorizing my lines. He could see my nerves. He could see my lack of dedication, that I was holding myself back. I blew off the last class, and only gave it half of what I really could of dedicated to. But tonight I saw something different. He embraced me, gave me a hug and said he genuinely missed me being in class, and helped guide me through my scene of "The Importance of Being Earnest." Although I was fumbling my lines a bit, I had it down pretty good, and I got a lot of laughs from the class which made me feel....alive, happy, delighted. I love seeing Virginia my acting partner lose it when I make her laugh in front of the class and I love being "the center of attention" and at the same time it makes my heart skip out of my chest. I pushed myself. I have discovered that in my poor habits, like procrastination that I do myself a great disservice. I am letting myself get "stuck" I'm hiding, I'm not doing anything and it stems from fear.

All I do know is that I walked away from all of these events and conversations feeling optimistic. I feel challenged and also kind of renewed. Like I get a second shot. And I am grateful. I was in the right time, and the right place to just let myself be happy. In the moment, pursuing whatever it is that I am going to do next.

April Showers

It's strange how time can literally heal you.  You don't really have a choice in the matter, it just happens.  I feel like a decade has passed since I first moved to New York and respect how much I've grown. It somehow strengthened me.  Sometimes you just need a time out, to pace yourself and realize that the most important thing to do, is center yourself before you blaze ahead blindly.  I've met amazing people; I've had some crazy/ intense moments that are still unbelievable to me.  I've learned that in the end its all the fumbling I've done, the flailing, the mistakes, the sordid relationships, one night stands, dead end jobs, enriching jobs, falling in love, not being loved back, telling someone you don’t want to be with them.  It’s all of these experiences, all of my mistakes that have helped me successfully stumble upon what I truly want and to gain better access to my purpose here on this planet.

 I'm learning what I'm good at; I'm learning my strengths and certainly my weaknesses. But more accurately I'm learning about me and I'm fascinated. I've learned that I get bored easily, I love art, I often want what I cannot have, and often times feel a need to fix things instantly without having the self control to be patient. It's the very small explanations that have made my past unfold unto itself. I feel like thats an important piece that was missing all along. Maybe again its just time that helped me locate it.  

I spent the night with a girl that took my breath away.  She was drop dead gorgeous, unattainable on many levels, but on the other hand, she pushed me into a new direction because she truly believed I was "hot,” “adorable” whatever the word that best describes me, she felt it.  She gave me momentum to figure my shit out and find meaning in it all. She believed I was worthy when I didn’t believe that about myself. 

 I figured out how to save myself. I can now better express my feelings and feel like my conditions are changing, not because of outside factors, but because I am truly driving change and making good decisions about my health, my body, who I love, and who I cannot.

I’ve never been shy in asking for help, but for once I am not afraid to be out there by myself doing the best that I can. 

I've learned what I can control and what I cannot, I've learned how to better manage my emotions and realized that the risks I take, are healthy, they push me to experience things that the safe me wouldn't normally do. You can't always bury your heart, you'd miss feeling things you'd miss out on life's beautiful moments.  At some point you have to jump and leave the questions and apprehension behind. 

Who knows where I'll end up, or if it’s with somebody great, I just know that I am choosing to learn to love me with out terms and conditions, completely.  

Politics, The Economy, Love in Brooklyn....

I wrote my first post quite awhile ago. So much has happened since then. The first being that I got out of my first real relationship, it all came to me in a wave. Moving to New York, falling in love, getting an apartment, finding work. Things have certainly changed since then. I will never regret my first serious relationship, it taught me how to love myself, how to love somebody else and that feeling is so amazing.

I met someone very shortly after my first relationship, at a bar, a lesbian bar...she was at Columbia U's Teachers College working on her MA in Education and taught in Harlem, leftie, piercing, long brown hair. Probably the only girl I felt any chemistry with after being incredibly alone, and sad. We dated for awhile, things were going well, but I guess intuitivly I knew it wouldn't truly last as much as I wanted it too. She was too fledging, free spirited, and I was too much of a romantic at heart.

When things end between two people it requires one to admit it. They have to use those words, "ok we need to talk." I'm not sure why, but that feeling on that very day felt like a shot of adreniline through my body close to the way I felt after a car accident. Severe and very all consuming. I am a good actor though. I can contain my feelings and run. I guess all of those feelings get pretty pent up though, it ends up happening later, the longing, missing that person and never really putting it behind me to move forward.

Ending one relationship is like going back to what you really want out of life, I keep asking myself that. Writing certainly has helped. In the end I feel like its been the slow relief I really needed. My ideas, feelings. I've learned not to discard them so quickly.

I still don't really know what I want, but hope that this feeling of flailing brushes away and I take control.

So it begins

About me....

I love writing and sharing and exploring people and things. I grew up in Northern California & was born in Daegu, Korea.  The purpose of this site is for me to put my emotions somewhere.  

I truly believe one's personal art can be a science if you let it. If you can truly embrace it.  Let it pour out of you, ask questions, freak out, don't justify, move with it.  Thats all I ask of you as a species.  

I want to write a memoir about my relationships with women. I want it to speak to gay youth and be beneficial.  I would hope that someone questioning or going through that transition period could use my experiences to make them feel less alone. I feel like it's maybe one of the only good things I have to give, and will hopefully help me realize my own potential as a human being.  If anything the experience could only be highly rewarding.