What is Happiness? I feel "stuck" or wedged in between two very difficult places right now. Half of me is content being kind of a girl, and the other embraces this transition so fully that I feel like an over eager child to step outside and shed my younger skin. Meaning I want my boobs off, and facial hair. I want to smell like a guy, feel like it and be it, and to own it. Did I somehow think this would develop overnight? That something would just pop up during the night? Its mysterious what goes on within my own body, sometimes I feel like its beyond my reach. Its been a few months that I've been on T now, and my sex drive is comparable to a teenage boy x 10. I hate it, but yet I embrace it. Its consuming to those to I love, and distracting at worst.
All along while this happens I've been trying to tackle all the other stuff. Income, Rent, Food, Relationship, Mind, Goals, Family, and I think I am ok. I watched a video on www.ted.com a great site for those looking for a bit of inspiration. One of the things that I am looking into is the possibility of Grad school be it Journalism or Film. While I am treading water financially I feel like this is my window of opportunity to shift like mad into the thing that I really want to do & what I care about. I watched a speech on Motivation by a former speechwriter and he had this to say about shifting paradigms in the workflow. He believes in the power of intrinsic motivation over "Management." That this idea of reporting to someone higher than you is an outdated system, and that some of the really great business ideas like gmail, wikipedia, others were created when employees were asked to go off and think of something they wanted to do.
"Is it Utopia?" He wonders? Not always. His idea is simply this;
Intrinsic Motivation is:
autonomy -urge to direct our own lives
mastery-the desire to get better and better at something that matters
purpose: the yearning to do a service fo something larger than ourselves
Of All the Non-Fiction Career books I've read I think he organizes his idea so easily that its hard for me to ignore. My interpretation is that we are not at the end of the day the amount of debt we've accrued or assets we've accumulated, that job-wise finding something that suits you, or that you are good at has all to do with your personality, the way your mind work and less to do with making lots of widgets. I don't think I've done a very good translating, but I know this. I feel so passionately about what I am doing and that I can one day use all of the steps I've taken to create a map for someone going through the same questions I had. A product of my struggles, ideals, and vision of where I want to go that encompasses the very core of who I am. I haven't figured it all out yet, but think I'm going in the right direction that is satisfying enough. So although I do fear that post surgery, all the facial body hair in the world I can handle and getting my hormones somewhat resolved, I worry that at the root, I still won't be happy. I am working on taking it one day at a time, being happy in the moments, and acknowledging that I can choose to be ok for right now. To love my body day in and day out and forgive the little things I cannot change. Is it working? I think Shrek said it best (I'm quoting a Pixar Movie???) "That'll do."
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