Back from the Cape

If you ever really want to get to know the person you love, spend 15 minutes with their Mother. Is there a reason that on important documents, legal, financial etc it asks one to list their Mothers Maiden name? Call me niave but is it built into our own gene code that a Mother could never really leave their child? I speak from experience. Although adopted I consider my Mother to be the greatest woman I know. Not just because she's wise, generous, intelligent, fun and sensible. Its because she loves the hell out of her kids, she can tell them when they are fucking up their lives, and she is probably the most outgoing warm individuals I've ever met. This week I headed to CT to join Lauren for a few days before driving to Boston for my best friends birthday bash and a week down on the Cape camping in North Truro with her own family.

I knew it was going to be tough due to the fact that I have a hard time having the people I love meet the people I am dating, its just a bit hard to balance their expectations, make sure everyone is happy, you know. You want them to see the person you have come to know & love but that doesn't always shine through initially. Lauren is also someone who I've dated and for the first time I am not teenage crazy intense love. Its more like a slow burn. A comforting welcome thing that I let into my life unexpectadly. I love her unexplainable desire to make everyone around her happy at her own cost sometimes. I feel closer to her than I ever have but realized more about me that I was ready for. I also confirmed my desire to get surgery. For the first time in awhile I let myself unconnect from my own crazy little world. I stopped thinking about transitioning and all the other things I was hoarding and let it be on the back burner knowing I could come back to it. I thought long & hard about my own family dynamics and where I fit in and how much I love them for exactly who they are be it 3,000 miles away.

I also got some intense news about my brother which was the thing I needed to hear most. I cried and she held me. I cried some more and she never let me feel like I was being weak for knowing that he had re-conneted with my Mother in this way that I couldn't fathom. I put space between my Mom that I needed and she respected it, she let me recharge and call her to discuss it on my own time table. I'm not always good at this. I sometimes don't know how to balance what is stifling and what is indiependence in relationships. I needed to get out of my own head for a bit and I did but at what cost. I don't think I'll lose her, I don't think I'm ready to go fuck a bunch of random strangers and get dirty and be wild but I also don't know what I want all the time and this really hurts the people that I love.

Its comforting to know that she is so patient with me, it makes me happy that we had that time together and that when I return to my city that is hot, dirty & crowded after being beautiful Capetown nature child that I'll find a way to fall in love with Brooklyn again. Its almost September, school starts for many and its that sad sort of time where its hot as hell but you go back to the real world and start anew. Its that time where you have to man up to the realities of your life and come to terms with dealing with your issues and fix themIts time for me to go kick ass in New York knowing what I want to do. I'm going to be tough.