It's strange how time can literally heal you. You don't really have a choice in the matter, it just happens. I feel like a decade has passed since I first moved to New York and respect how much I've grown. It somehow strengthened me. Sometimes you just need a time out, to pace yourself and realize that the most important thing to do, is center yourself before you blaze ahead blindly. I've met amazing people; I've had some crazy/ intense moments that are still unbelievable to me. I've learned that in the end its all the fumbling I've done, the flailing, the mistakes, the sordid relationships, one night stands, dead end jobs, enriching jobs, falling in love, not being loved back, telling someone you don’t want to be with them. It’s all of these experiences, all of my mistakes that have helped me successfully stumble upon what I truly want and to gain better access to my purpose here on this planet.
I'm learning what I'm good at; I'm learning my strengths and certainly my weaknesses. But more accurately I'm learning about me and I'm fascinated. I've learned that I get bored easily, I love art, I often want what I cannot have, and often times feel a need to fix things instantly without having the self control to be patient. It's the very small explanations that have made my past unfold unto itself. I feel like thats an important piece that was missing all along. Maybe again its just time that helped me locate it.
I spent the night with a girl that took my breath away. She was drop dead gorgeous, unattainable on many levels, but on the other hand, she pushed me into a new direction because she truly believed I was "hot,” “adorable” whatever the word that best describes me, she felt it. She gave me momentum to figure my shit out and find meaning in it all. She believed I was worthy when I didn’t believe that about myself.
I figured out how to save myself. I can now better express my feelings and feel like my conditions are changing, not because of outside factors, but because I am truly driving change and making good decisions about my health, my body, who I love, and who I cannot.
I’ve never been shy in asking for help, but for once I am not afraid to be out there by myself doing the best that I can.
I've learned what I can control and what I cannot, I've learned how to better manage my emotions and realized that the risks I take, are healthy, they push me to experience things that the safe me wouldn't normally do. You can't always bury your heart, you'd miss feeling things you'd miss out on life's beautiful moments. At some point you have to jump and leave the questions and apprehension behind.
Who knows where I'll end up, or if it’s with somebody great, I just know that I am choosing to learn to love me with out terms and conditions, completely.
