Lit by the fire Sunday night

What is Happiness? I feel "stuck" or wedged in between two very difficult places right now. Half of me is content being kind of a girl, and the other embraces this transition so fully that I feel like an over eager child to step outside and shed my younger skin. Meaning I want my boobs off, and facial hair. I want to smell like a guy, feel like it and be it, and to own it. Did I somehow think this would develop overnight? That something would just pop up during the night? Its mysterious what goes on within my own body, sometimes I feel like its beyond my reach. Its been a few months that I've been on T now, and my sex drive is comparable to a teenage boy x 10. I hate it, but yet I embrace it. Its consuming to those to I love, and distracting at worst.

All along while this happens I've been trying to tackle all the other stuff. Income, Rent, Food, Relationship, Mind, Goals, Family, and I think I am ok. I watched a video on www.ted.com a great site for those looking for a bit of inspiration. One of the things that I am looking into is the possibility of Grad school be it Journalism or Film. While I am treading water financially I feel like this is my window of opportunity to shift like mad into the thing that I really want to do & what I care about. I watched a speech on Motivation by a former speechwriter and he had this to say about shifting paradigms in the workflow. He believes in the power of intrinsic motivation over "Management." That this idea of reporting to someone higher than you is an outdated system, and that some of the really great business ideas like gmail, wikipedia, others were created when employees were asked to go off and think of something they wanted to do.
"Is it Utopia?" He wonders? Not always. His idea is simply this;

Intrinsic Motivation is:
autonomy -urge to direct our own lives
mastery-the desire to get better and better at something that matters
purpose: the yearning to do a service fo something larger than ourselves

Of All the Non-Fiction Career books I've read I think he organizes his idea so easily that its hard for me to ignore. My interpretation is that we are not at the end of the day the amount of debt we've accrued or assets we've accumulated, that job-wise finding something that suits you, or that you are good at has all to do with your personality, the way your mind work and less to do with making lots of widgets. I don't think I've done a very good translating, but I know this. I feel so passionately about what I am doing and that I can one day use all of the steps I've taken to create a map for someone going through the same questions I had. A product of my struggles, ideals, and vision of where I want to go that encompasses the very core of who I am. I haven't figured it all out yet, but think I'm going in the right direction that is satisfying enough. So although I do fear that post surgery, all the facial body hair in the world I can handle and getting my hormones somewhat resolved, I worry that at the root, I still won't be happy. I am working on taking it one day at a time, being happy in the moments, and acknowledging that I can choose to be ok for right now. To love my body day in and day out and forgive the little things I cannot change. Is it working? I think Shrek said it best (I'm quoting a Pixar Movie???) "That'll do."

What would Jesus Do?

In 2004 Curt Schilling the Red Sox pitcher was quoted in the Boston Globe saying about the Team "Why Not Us?" It became a catch phrase as the Sox went on to create my favorite moments in Baseball. His quote about his ability to allow himself to believe in God, and post his personal believes while those around him gave him flack relentlessly. God? You could be attacked in this city for believing. For being true to your faith. I've recieved a few emails from family Members and their e-mails citing God. "I was made this way" they say "Its natural, why change what is real and true? "My experience with God is up and down. I am Episcopalian and babtized by Family, and while raised by a Scientist (My Dad) and a true believer (My Mom) I fall strongly in between with a little more faith than most. I once spoke with a friend named Mary Beth in high school after she got really "into God" We had a intro to Guitar class and we were just teenagers. We were discussing lyrics to a band and I asked her about what religion meanto to her and why it was so important. Not be be intrusive but because I could see it truly meant something to her. "God = Love" was all she said with a content smile. I didn't need any other explanation, and I've never had to justify my relationship with religion or faith again. There are those who can challenge my own beliefs or tell me that what I am doing is wrong according to "God." I don't believe it though. I defend my right to interpret my personal beliefs and think I am entitled to have a relationship with it on my own terms. That I can prey for the things that I want and that when I truly need it, it will be there for me because I believe in a simple basic idea that it in fact exists. Let them judge. Let Props in CA grow and change and let us fight all the while letting my own truths to be solid. You are entitled to your opinion, and so am I.

I used to fight with my ex-girlfriend about who would minister our wedding. She was Jewish by birth and I wanted my childhood priest a friend of the Family up there at the alter. I've learned that religion has more to do with personal beliefs to help you through difficult times then listening to what others will interpret for you and it makes all the difference for me to make strides in something I am struggling with.

In Boston I ate a big brunch during my first year after moving from NH I had the time to sit around and read the Boston Sunday Globe and in it was an article the best I've ever read on something pertaining to religion by Pope John Paul II. In the article it was appearant his health was deteriorating which is maybe why his insight really hit home. "With all the different ways we have to communicate nowadays be it the phone, internet, text messaging, I wonder if it truly makes us better connected to one another. Are we all that much happier? Does it make us love more openly" he asks? I'd have to agree. In my generation which I live in unapologietically I am able to come out, be trans. Only a small percentage have ever really truly had the honesty to tell me what I am doing is wrong or goes against the grain and I respect that. I guess what I have to say is this, Mary Beth's words meant more to me than an explanation on why God meant so much to her. It was something I could grip onto for the rest of my life. I could move through it with time holding onto an idea that I didn't have to have a complicated debate or discussion on why God wouldn't condemn me to hell for loving women, or wanting the right to have a family. My relationship with him isn't negated due to my choices and its something I can stand by. It isn't greater to or less than its just equal too. The idea that love "conquers all" is so solid in its foundation that this is the only thing I ever need to remember and push me through difficult times.

Back from the Cape

If you ever really want to get to know the person you love, spend 15 minutes with their Mother. Is there a reason that on important documents, legal, financial etc it asks one to list their Mothers Maiden name? Call me niave but is it built into our own gene code that a Mother could never really leave their child? I speak from experience. Although adopted I consider my Mother to be the greatest woman I know. Not just because she's wise, generous, intelligent, fun and sensible. Its because she loves the hell out of her kids, she can tell them when they are fucking up their lives, and she is probably the most outgoing warm individuals I've ever met. This week I headed to CT to join Lauren for a few days before driving to Boston for my best friends birthday bash and a week down on the Cape camping in North Truro with her own family.

I knew it was going to be tough due to the fact that I have a hard time having the people I love meet the people I am dating, its just a bit hard to balance their expectations, make sure everyone is happy, you know. You want them to see the person you have come to know & love but that doesn't always shine through initially. Lauren is also someone who I've dated and for the first time I am not teenage crazy intense love. Its more like a slow burn. A comforting welcome thing that I let into my life unexpectadly. I love her unexplainable desire to make everyone around her happy at her own cost sometimes. I feel closer to her than I ever have but realized more about me that I was ready for. I also confirmed my desire to get surgery. For the first time in awhile I let myself unconnect from my own crazy little world. I stopped thinking about transitioning and all the other things I was hoarding and let it be on the back burner knowing I could come back to it. I thought long & hard about my own family dynamics and where I fit in and how much I love them for exactly who they are be it 3,000 miles away.

I also got some intense news about my brother which was the thing I needed to hear most. I cried and she held me. I cried some more and she never let me feel like I was being weak for knowing that he had re-conneted with my Mother in this way that I couldn't fathom. I put space between my Mom that I needed and she respected it, she let me recharge and call her to discuss it on my own time table. I'm not always good at this. I sometimes don't know how to balance what is stifling and what is indiependence in relationships. I needed to get out of my own head for a bit and I did but at what cost. I don't think I'll lose her, I don't think I'm ready to go fuck a bunch of random strangers and get dirty and be wild but I also don't know what I want all the time and this really hurts the people that I love.

Its comforting to know that she is so patient with me, it makes me happy that we had that time together and that when I return to my city that is hot, dirty & crowded after being beautiful Capetown nature child that I'll find a way to fall in love with Brooklyn again. Its almost September, school starts for many and its that sad sort of time where its hot as hell but you go back to the real world and start anew. Its that time where you have to man up to the realities of your life and come to terms with dealing with your issues and fix themIts time for me to go kick ass in New York knowing what I want to do. I'm going to be tough.

August 24 & its possibilities

Last night I called my Dad, I heard from the surgical coordinator & they wanted to see if I had Aug 17 free. It just so happened that I had the 24th, and they are scheduling me for Top Surgery! (If Aetna approves it) Last time I checked I don't have $8,000 in my bank account, I am an unemployed bum who writes all day in my boxers. I called my Parents, my Mom was at a book club meeting but I chatted with my Step Dad & Sister, and got ahold of my Dad later that night. In spite of everything he told me he would fly 3,000 miles and ask someone in his field to cover his surgeries (He's a Veterinarian) and come take care of me. His Eldest, his kid. This is huge, I also think my Step-Mom showed him how to use the computer because I got this yesterday!

"hi jean, this my first attempt very slow!! hunt and peck. am seeing patty this week. bye for now love dad" What can I say he's
more of a work with your hands outside, golf, build stuff on the wood work bench kinda guy! I was really touched that he agreed to this and also find it kind of funny picturing my Dad nursing me back to health in my Brooklyn 4 story walk up. They say it only takes a week post-op and it hasn't been approved, but in the end I think its just knowing, that no matter what. He'd be there for me.

I have a ton of errands to do & laundry & then my love comes tomorrow, hoping your weekend is fun!

Time & Patience

"It comes from my body. There's no way I can fight it." Beth Ditto discussing her vocal style. A loud, curvy femme, damn fierce advocate for gays who's gravely voice still sits on my mind as I ride from New Haven to Grand Central thinking about so many things. There is nothing I could take more and directly relate it to my own experience in transitioning. In the song "Heavy Cross" Ditto nails notes and all I can do is rock out and smile. I want to know everything about her. Like when she's all sweaty on stage ragin, and truly doesn't give a fuck about what she looks like compared to the industry, and how she made it this far, I wanna know. Where did you find the strength to be so strong in your own skin?

Lately I've been so inspired by my young peers. From Kit Yan (slam poet) who I caught on a youtube video getting completly lost in his abilty to vent all transitional frustrations through the artistic validation of words. Another friend out in Northern California has put pretty much her entire passion or hobby into a foodie blog and seeing her updates remind me of what a talented writer she is, completly true to herself. I love that it can be circled, shared and I feel energized. I see people putting all of their energy into that thing they love, and all I do is write, think, process, write. Is this my calling?

This weekend I was able to post with my girl and we talked a bit about T, Leslie Feinberg, & share in general some time together which is always wonderful. I know I have a hard time with the distance, and being patient in general but I'm trying to be better. I bought her lilies, and they bloomed while I was there, and a book by an author we both love and we are reading it aloud before we go to bed. I love my Sunday nights with her.

I had the chance to speak with Alex, a former co-worker and also one of the first people I've told work wise that I wish to transition. She was great and had good questions for me and offered to be a "subject" again so I am definitely going to take her up on her offer. She is super easy to talk to and a great listener & quite a funny girl. One of the things she said I didn't even really hear until I was editing & watching the video was about letting my transition if it is someone else's issue, let it be theirs. I think hearing it from her made me think that I was holding on too tightly for my family to approve of this thing I'm doing.
Do I really need that stamp of approval, right now I'm just me, and in the future if my body changes life moves forward, why do I struggle to let their hesitation make me pull away from them? I love my sisters,my brother, my Parents, I was organizing my room & found all these old photos of us and it made me realize, not much has changed. My happiest memories will always live with them.

Surgery Updates:

The battle definitely rages on. One of the hard things I had to face was that although I've sent in my letters, I also have to transition (possibly) legally meaning changing my drivers license, I am still a CA resident technically and my passport expired this year. I have to change my status at my parent company The Washington Post (M) on all docs. to have coverage on T, and submit all in to Aetna, and then they can deny/ accept my claim. The most important thing I think is the "real life experience" which in the Benjamin Standards of care (Protocol that are used to treat Trans patients) and something that I've found useful (also delays gratification) which is living a full year as a Male & not switching back. The Policy Bulletin is kind of grey. The one thing I can always be grateful for is the people I've worked with in this transition, my Therapists are super patient, my Surgeons are rad, and my girl is super into my physical changes, she actually stole my t-shirt and was smelling it because I kind of smell like T. Although I'm beyond confused by the process I feel like each day I get closer to something I really want and I have faith in myself that this persuit is truly the direction I want. In Febuary I'll turn 30, and although I feel more like I've turned 17 again, I am happy, healthy, optimistic. I laugh easily and am so glad I get to share this with you.

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