Back to reality.

I got back from a short visit to Boston today, and met some family friends for dinner. Their daughter lives here and is my sisters age, and it was nice to see a little bit of home. I left Friday and got stuck in a ton of traffic leaving NYC, but it was worth the wait since I got to see Sarah, and my girls and we went to Jacob Wirth a German restaurant that has a piano bar. Once people started getting some drinks in the singing commenced. Good times. I love Boston, I watched Good Will Hunting last weekend when I was at Lauren's and I think the thing I like about it most, is that the nostalgia really hit, I realized that I feel more like a big fish in a small pond. I've recently started looking for internships in Journalism. Print, and Broadcast news and am hoping to start working on some student films. We need more gays am I right ;)?

Its good to be back in Brooklyn, I am hoping to do some NYC stuff this weekend with the girl, maybe go to an art museum. After jaunting back and forth to my mini travels I've realized I'm pretty happy with my life. Although unemployed I've made the best of my situation. I'm changing fields which is a daunting task but I know that I'm smart enough to not give up on something I believe in. The most important lesson I learned at the end of this summer was that upon dreaming big, and allowing myself to own my mistakes is that I stopped caring about finding "her." When I started transitioning, or even when I came out my number focus was 1) getting laid, and 2) finding a girlfriend, or "the one." I was hungry for a relationship. I was lonely, and from an outsiders point of view, it was pretty pathetic. It hurt almost every relationship I ever got into. Crushes turned into one sided affairs that broke my heart. Dates turned into "I'm not looking for a girlfriend," conversations, and in the long run, I think the girls I interacted with could sense this longing and it probably looked very much like desperation. It put alot of pressure on the people I was getting to know, because I was like a love struck puppy. One of the best pieces of advice that helped me cope with this feeling of panic and fear that I was going to never find someone, was on a episode of Ugly Betty. The Editor of a Fashion magazine takes over for the role of his Father and he is desperatly trying to live up to his expectations but is failing miserably. He is a womanizer, is a fish out of water and is close to being let go. His assistants Father befriends him, and in a Fatherly way tells him about his own experience, how he learned how to cook, made a mean guacamole. Made the girls swoon, his cooking turned into a passion, and that passion in return fed his self confidence. Find something you're good at. It may be a challenge, you may not find it anytime soon, but try.

I've always been told I'm a "good writer." I'm expressive, I've always been an outsider, and according to some authors this helps
contribute to the process. Its always been how I survive. Growing up I had a learning disability that I didn't realize unti lI was an adult. I think getting things down on paper is the easiest way to relieve your heart of the things that keep you up late at night, and also the thing that helps you find clarity. At least for me it has been. I'm not necessarily the "creative" fiction type, I'm better at writing about my own feelings. Ever since I got on this agenda to chase after my dreams, I stopped caring about whether or not I had a girlfriend, and started caring more about all the things going on out there in the world. The results have been amazing. I feel like I connect with people more easily, I'm not there to "get it on" but to learn about them and share a few laughs, so I make new friends. And since I have no intention of settling down quite yet, I feel socially more confident in myself, I've lost weight and my identity has a renewed sense of accomplishment and wonder. I love that feeling. I love getting compliments on how I look healthy and happy. The fact is I am pretty fucking happy. I live in special city, I have parents who love me despite my flaws, I have friends who know all of my misgivings and we can laugh about it openly. I know I'm not perfect, I'm flawed and selfish and downright goofy at times. But underneath all that, the person I see, is someone who is doing their best, who is honest, who is nice and also very caring. I am out there, loving and learning and at the end of the day, I can respect myself for that.