August 24 & its possibilities

Last night I called my Dad, I heard from the surgical coordinator & they wanted to see if I had Aug 17 free. It just so happened that I had the 24th, and they are scheduling me for Top Surgery! (If Aetna approves it) Last time I checked I don't have $8,000 in my bank account, I am an unemployed bum who writes all day in my boxers. I called my Parents, my Mom was at a book club meeting but I chatted with my Step Dad & Sister, and got ahold of my Dad later that night. In spite of everything he told me he would fly 3,000 miles and ask someone in his field to cover his surgeries (He's a Veterinarian) and come take care of me. His Eldest, his kid. This is huge, I also think my Step-Mom showed him how to use the computer because I got this yesterday!

"hi jean, this my first attempt very slow!! hunt and peck. am seeing patty this week. bye for now love dad" What can I say he's
more of a work with your hands outside, golf, build stuff on the wood work bench kinda guy! I was really touched that he agreed to this and also find it kind of funny picturing my Dad nursing me back to health in my Brooklyn 4 story walk up. They say it only takes a week post-op and it hasn't been approved, but in the end I think its just knowing, that no matter what. He'd be there for me.

I have a ton of errands to do & laundry & then my love comes tomorrow, hoping your weekend is fun!

Time & Patience

"It comes from my body. There's no way I can fight it." Beth Ditto discussing her vocal style. A loud, curvy femme, damn fierce advocate for gays who's gravely voice still sits on my mind as I ride from New Haven to Grand Central thinking about so many things. There is nothing I could take more and directly relate it to my own experience in transitioning. In the song "Heavy Cross" Ditto nails notes and all I can do is rock out and smile. I want to know everything about her. Like when she's all sweaty on stage ragin, and truly doesn't give a fuck about what she looks like compared to the industry, and how she made it this far, I wanna know. Where did you find the strength to be so strong in your own skin?

Lately I've been so inspired by my young peers. From Kit Yan (slam poet) who I caught on a youtube video getting completly lost in his abilty to vent all transitional frustrations through the artistic validation of words. Another friend out in Northern California has put pretty much her entire passion or hobby into a foodie blog and seeing her updates remind me of what a talented writer she is, completly true to herself. I love that it can be circled, shared and I feel energized. I see people putting all of their energy into that thing they love, and all I do is write, think, process, write. Is this my calling?

This weekend I was able to post with my girl and we talked a bit about T, Leslie Feinberg, & share in general some time together which is always wonderful. I know I have a hard time with the distance, and being patient in general but I'm trying to be better. I bought her lilies, and they bloomed while I was there, and a book by an author we both love and we are reading it aloud before we go to bed. I love my Sunday nights with her.

I had the chance to speak with Alex, a former co-worker and also one of the first people I've told work wise that I wish to transition. She was great and had good questions for me and offered to be a "subject" again so I am definitely going to take her up on her offer. She is super easy to talk to and a great listener & quite a funny girl. One of the things she said I didn't even really hear until I was editing & watching the video was about letting my transition if it is someone else's issue, let it be theirs. I think hearing it from her made me think that I was holding on too tightly for my family to approve of this thing I'm doing.
Do I really need that stamp of approval, right now I'm just me, and in the future if my body changes life moves forward, why do I struggle to let their hesitation make me pull away from them? I love my sisters,my brother, my Parents, I was organizing my room & found all these old photos of us and it made me realize, not much has changed. My happiest memories will always live with them.

Surgery Updates:

The battle definitely rages on. One of the hard things I had to face was that although I've sent in my letters, I also have to transition (possibly) legally meaning changing my drivers license, I am still a CA resident technically and my passport expired this year. I have to change my status at my parent company The Washington Post (M) on all docs. to have coverage on T, and submit all in to Aetna, and then they can deny/ accept my claim. The most important thing I think is the "real life experience" which in the Benjamin Standards of care (Protocol that are used to treat Trans patients) and something that I've found useful (also delays gratification) which is living a full year as a Male & not switching back. The Policy Bulletin is kind of grey. The one thing I can always be grateful for is the people I've worked with in this transition, my Therapists are super patient, my Surgeons are rad, and my girl is super into my physical changes, she actually stole my t-shirt and was smelling it because I kind of smell like T. Although I'm beyond confused by the process I feel like each day I get closer to something I really want and I have faith in myself that this persuit is truly the direction I want. In Febuary I'll turn 30, and although I feel more like I've turned 17 again, I am happy, healthy, optimistic. I laugh easily and am so glad I get to share this with you.

Here are my posts have fun!

Oh Boy!

I haven't posted in awhile due to the fact that I finally got around to telling my Dad & sisters and needed some time to clear my head. Here is some video on it.



I'm still so excited about this blog, I saw that a decent amount of people checked out my youtube video which made me smile. I'm really proud of what I'm doing, I know its still a long road, and that I still look like a 12 year old boy, but I have a sense of direction that I've been missing, for like my whole life. That feels pretty great even though I struggle in the moment sometimes.

One of the l things about this blog/ video project that I am passionate about is that I am learning. About the legal matters, health risks, and the emotional issues that one goes through, and its given me the chance to "give birth" to something I care deeply about. I am able to take the things going on with me, and put them outside myself, and look at them objectively at times, and then release it. Its the outlet I was seeking and I know I say thank you all the time, but again. Thank you, for watching.

While visiting with Lauren's extended family I met quite a few people all very warm & friendly, also some elderly folks, at one point I was sitting with a flock of them outside on a picnic table and felt perfectly content just talking about ice fishing and the good ol days. One woman hugged me and told me she thought I would be successful no matter what I did. I don't know why but I found that to be very encouraging. (Maybe its the fact that I'm unemployed, poor, and restless) I needed to hear something kind. I did end up talking to my Dad tonight, and he told me despite it being hard on him, he supported me. Thats just my Dad though, he's one of the most giving people I know (besides my Mom & Brother) I have the greatest family & I miss them. I still think of my wacky golden retriever Sandy digging for tennis balls in our yard shaking her tail wildly. They hold onto my past, I think they know I'm still just Jean. Or I hope so.

Changes...
Exciting things happen body while on T, one of them happens to be an increase in energy & sex drive. I've noticed a huge upswing in both. Sometimes I'm good, I'll go running, ride my bike or walk around the city. and as far as the lovin, lets just say that I feel like a 16 year old boy on the inside. Transitioning while in something that looks like a relationship, and talks like a relationship has been of great comfort.

You would be surprised by those who will support you.
While eating lunch with one of my guy friends from College (and he lives just a few blocks down from me!) commented on my hairy armpits saying "hair doesn't make you a guy." It wasn't a challenge, or a threat it was more of a lesson. Sometimes I really do feel like an awkward 14 year old boy, buying Gillette shavers, packing, condoms, wanting....

There is one thing that always helps. When I got out of the shower the other day Lauren told me she likes my clean boy smell. Swoon.

Acceptance. Family

"As far as family goes, try not to let your family members hurt your feelings. I know it's hard sometime, but do what you can. As you go through life, you want to take care of yourself and your feelings. Don't look to your family for validation. Easier said than done, I know. And, speak your mind to your family in a kind way, either in writing or verbally. We all need to be brought up and corrected from time to time."

This was an email my Mom wrote me when I was having an argument with one of my sisters when I flew home from Boston to Eureka CA. Sometimes I love being home, sometimes its difficult. (Ok having them wait on you and make you food and give you hugs and playing with your dogs isn't hard) I guess you get used to living your own life, in your own version of home somewhere else, the one you make. I guess with all the distance I forgot that I did need my families acceptance and sense of validation on this thing I was going through, I just didn't know how to say it.

On July 19th 2007 I wrote in my online journal that I thought the life of an FTM would be too difficult. That I wasn't strong enough to do it. That I was too sensitive. I didn't know if it was "me." Sitting here now I am amazed at how far I've come, and also am beginning to realize the physical gap within my family. I've had old co-workers, high school friends email me their kind words, it literally almost made me cry (I'm on T so maybe thats why I didn't) One e-mail I received from a guy I haven't talked to in awhile but we kind of grew up together, you know tree forts, camping, playing outside...the good old days! His words of acceptance seemed to wipe away some of my current frustrations and I just wanted to say, thank you.

My sister called me & she didn't know about all this, its difficult for her, as it is for one of my best friends who I recently saw.
I am noticing that the people I am closest to haven't really said much. I can go on and on how I'm "cool" with that and I don't need their support I just need them to not kick me out of their life based on my choices. Its kind of a lie. I want it to be one big happy celebration, yay boobs off, shirt off Jean = Happy!!! This is something I look forward to when I wake up, having facial hair, looking like a boy. Being a boy. To me I've had the courage to step into who I am. I think they need their own time to process it, they are 3,000 miles away from me. In the end they gave me the "my body my choice" route and I can accept that. I can't expect them to feel a certain way, its unrealistic. Can I hope that they will gradually warm up to it? Certainly.

All I can do is keep going down this path. As others have said I wouldn't be any good to them if I stopped doing this, becoming who I am. It will take them time to adjust, but all I can keep telling myself is this. Don't run away from the things you desire. Fight for it, fight yourself, all of those internal battles, the wrestling match that goes on within. Let yourself go into this unknown because certainly, realizing yourself will create freedom you've never known before.

I love me, finally. Thank you for loving me too.
Jean

So what is your favorite thing about New York?

I'd like to hear your answer! Mine is iced coffee & bagels at any time of the day, for example I just jumped out of the shower & am feeling like a coff/bag right now (2:30 PM) and I can go over to my corner & get one ;) I mean you could do this anywhere but its the small things right?!

I wanted to thank again my two Doctors who will be submitting my letters to Aetna by the end of the week & also to a few of the trans folks who found me on okcupid to meet up for tennis/ dinner & chillin! I am surely feeling the love!

Best,

Jean

Relationships.

Is it ever safe to fall in love? No. Is it worth it every time? Absolutely.

I am seeing a girl now who opened me up to something that I didn't realize I was doing. I was afraid to fall in love again. After having your heart broken its sometimes hard to remember that it mends. I had my fair share of one night stands, and while they were fun something felt empty about it. It was hard for me to pretend that I didn't care, to pretend I wasn't jealous watching someone I really like kiss someone else. I was afraid of risking my heart and focused on loving myself. And while that is truly important to establish that relationship with yourself and take the time to love who you are becoming, its not advisable to shut others out. "We should be in the business of multiplication and addition." Gregory T Angelo once wrote in an article about inclusion for gay marriage. How do these two things connect you might ask? I was so busy loving me that I didn't realize I put up some pretty hard core walls, I was getting myself on solid ground knowing I could transition alone, but could I let someone else in to watch, to join? Hell no. I was so scared of that. She reminded me that I deserved it and not to hold this piece of myself away from my heart. (Her exact words) To those of you who have found the person you want to share your dreams, ideas and truths with I can now better understand how amazing that feels.

Here is a pic of her & I on the train ride down to Coney Island which she was excited for all week! We watched the fireworks (her idea) on the beach snuggled together on the sand and looked out across the ocean which was dark accept for the boat lights. Her warmth, kindness & love for life is insatiable. Enough of this gooey stuff, I need to be outside!

Family

Part of being adopted is realizing that families are created in so many different ways. Perfect example is Thomas Beatie. Beatie gave birth to his daughter around this time last year, Beatie has since then given birth to a boy. My desire to have a family came at a really young age. In fact I distinctly remember asking my Mom for my OWN baby when I was like 6 years old. (Ok no I'm not normal) I mean but how cute is that??? I love kids. One of the difficult things about transitioning is that kids always do a double take when they see me, depending on their age they either stare or ask plain & simply "are you a boy or a girl?" I've even had a little toddler stare at me & then point out "BOY!!" And while I thought this was simply adorable, it is hard for me to talk to little kids because I always feel slightly uncomfortable, while they are innocently prying at what gender I am as does society, I am just trying to be me. There is nothing wrong with what they are doing, its just that it can be a little ahem awwkwaard for me.

Another thing I do is stare at babies when I am out in the city walking around, as I do with dogs. Most of the time I will get strange looks from both Mother & baby when I do said activity. Other times people will sit and talk to me and go so far as to push their babies hand towards mine in a playful manner realizing that I am female and "playing" with me. This always touches me. Its not easy being a parent. I know this.

I guess I'm just at that age...my friends are starting to have kids, even my baby cousin the youngest of the family is now driving! I always knew I'd grow up & have kids. Now that I'm finally here, it seems like its in the distance, always beyond some horizon that I can't seem to get to. Thats ok with me, to be perfectly honest, I don't know that I would be a very good Mommy right now anyway.

That is until somebody gave me some good advice. It was my Psychiatrist actually. I was telling her how I was going to pursue T until I was satisfied with its results, always knowing that I could stop whenever I chose to, and that I wanted to do it safely and healthily so that in the incident that I was not married, did not have a partner to carry my baby that I could one day give birth. I wanted, still want that option. Testosterone changes the effects of your body and stops your period. Therefore the chances of having a child lessen. After hearing all this my Doctor mentioned to me (she is an older Spanish lady) looked at me and told me how she got pregnant very late in life, she is past the age of 40 and had both of her children back to back when most Doctors told her she was lucky to have even one child healthy at all. "Don't wait too long" she said. "Having a baby isn't about how much money you have in the bank, or establishing the perfect career." (Both of my excuses for not being knocked up. Oh and the little fact of being minus sperm) "It is about wanting to care for a child." Maybe you won't wait until you are 40, I think 35 is a good age." There we go, a little bit more of unsolicited advice. I have to say I walked out feeling kind of, I dunno hopeful.

Where might all this be coming from you might ask? Well its kind of silly but it came from an article I read last year on a review for Harry Potter, the writer commented on how he couldn't wait until his kid was old enough to understand the books so he could read all of them together. Ahhhhh that sounds nice. Don't you think I'd look cute with a snuggly and a little ball of hair poking out of the top? I mean a baby folks.

Peace & love,
Jean